As a little girl, confidence was apparently not a problem for me.
When I would write letters to family or friends, I would sign them, “Melinda the Great” with a little swirly underneath to emphasize “the Great.”
Seriously.
Then came adolescence. It was not kind to me, friends.
Suddenly that cute, confident kid was skinny, pasty white and all arms and legs with a mouth full of braces. Even more tragically, I was a victim (willingly, apparently) of 1980s-style pop bottle eyeglasses. It would be several long years before I had even come close to mastering the art of fashion, hair and makeup. I truly sported a look that could kill.
Anyone who has ever been 13 knows that those awkward years can scar you for life. Decades later, I can still feel the sting of snarky, seventh grade girls assessing my appearance. Or, much worse, an unkind comment from an adolescent boy who took stock of my assets and found them lacking.
“Melinda the Great” was dead. Even after I grew into my arms and legs, lost the braces and discovered contact lenses, that deep lack of confidence remained. It spilled into every area of my life.
My goal for many years was just to not be noticed. To blend into the background. I would be the last person you would think would end up speaking regularly in front of people or have any kind of public ministry.
As I entered my mid-20’s and 30’s, I gradually gained confidence.
I tried hard to please others and meet expectations. When I gained their approval, I felt confident.
When I wrote an article or did well at my job and received glowing feedback, I felt confident.
Whenever I felt like I was somehow in control of my circumstances, I felt confident.
It worked pretty well for a while. But eventually I got weary of trying to achieve everyone’s approval. At times, due to life circumstances, I was unable to write. As I hit a very rough patch in my family life a number of years back, I seemed to lose any shred of control that I thought I had. Years of trying to heal and manage my chronic illness only left me sicker and in greater pain.
People had failed me. Doctors had failed me. My own efforts had failed. My confidence was gradually reduced to that of my former gangly, bespectacled teenage self.
And it has been the best thing that ever happened to me.
So, my confidence cratered and that’s a good thing? Huh?
Yep. I’ve learned the hard way that self confidence is overrated and here’s a few reasons why:
We often overestimate our own abilities
As long as I’m being completely and brutally honest here, I’ll tell you about the time when I tried out for the dance team. I was in 9th grade. I had a good friend on the team and she convinced me that I could do it. On the day of tryouts, I really believed I had a great chance to make the team. Friends, I was horrible. Horr-i-ble. Apparently no one had the guts to tell me. I’m still trying to recover from the humiliation.
I recently ran across this article and found this section incredibly interesting: “In a new book, Confidence, psychologist Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic … (argues) that confidence is virtually worthless. On average, he reports, it’s correlated with competence at about 0.30, which means the probability of the most confident person in the room also being the most competent is a paltry 15 percentage points better than chance… a majority of us believe we’re better than most at all sorts of things – driving, keeping healthy – even though that can’t be true… ‘Feeling good,’ Chamorro-Premuzic writes, ‘does not increase the probability of being good.'”
It may make us “feel good” when we believe that we are really great at something. However, take it from the former aspiring dance team member, resting our confidence on our perceptions of our own abilities is a shaky foundation at best.
Self-confidence can breed self-sufficency
Am I saying that we aren’t really good at some things? Of course not. God has gifted all of us. In amazing ways. Most of us work hard to develop and maintain those gifts. And that is biblical!
However, something can happen as we find success in using the gifts that God has given us. We begin to forget that last part: “that God has given us.” We have the tendency to think that it’s all about us. That’s it’s all due to our efforts, our wisdom, our “Melinda the Great-ness.”
Andy Stanley’s book Visioneering says it this way: “Success has a way of weaning us off our dependency on God… Without ever meaning to, we shift from a God orientation to a self orientation.”
We end up in bondage
When I think that everything rests on me — my abilities, my hard work, my insights — it makes me feel in control. But it also makes me feel incredibly anxious and burdened. It may take some time, but inevitably it leads to us feeling crushed by the weight of our own and others’ expectations of us. We begin to be plagued by thoughts like this: What if I don’t come through? What if I’m not good enough? What if I don’t have what it takes?
When I rest my confidence in God, I feel freedom. No matter how gifted I am at something, my human abilities are finite. God’s abilities are infinite. As I tap into His power, I draw from a never ending well of wisdom, energy and ability.
I love the assurance of Philippians 2:12: For it is God who is working in you, enabling you both to desire and to work out His good purpose.”
I may doubt it far too often, but God always comes through. Maybe not in the way I’d choose, but He has a perfect track record of always meeting my needs.
Confidence is a great thing. I want more confidence. I’ve just stopped trying to find more confidence in myself.
Instead, I’m seeking confidence in the Person who can empower me to do far more than I could ever do on my own.
He’s the only One who’s truly “Great.”
