when you pray and nothing changes

I love happy endings. 

I swoon when the princess gets her prince.

I cheer when the hero saves the day.

I like neat and tidy. It’s the (recovering) perfectionist in me.

I was reminded of this again when, like millions of others, I recently watched the movie The War Room.

The movie told the story of a couple with a cold and strained marriage, the husband on the verge of committing adultery. Their relationship with their daughter was equally distant and dysfunctional. This was a family on the brink of complete and ugly disintegration.

Through a divine meeting with a tough, but kindly older woman, the wife begins to reconnect with her faith and pray bold, passionate prayers.

By the time the credits roll, the couple’s marriage has been restored, the relationship between daughter and parents is repaired and thriving. Adultery is averted. The fraudulent, unemployed father finds redemption and a new job.

It’s a great story. Prayer is powerful and life-changing! But as I sat there watching, I couldn’t shake this aching in my soul.

I thought of the years of countless prayers — tear-soaked, desperate, faith-filled prayers — that I have prayed over painful circumstances in my life. Prayers that weren’t answered in a Hollywood-sort of way. As I watched this family cruise off into the sunset, I longed for my own happy ending.

God has answered my prayers many times. Sometimes quickly. But more often, answers are years in the making. It’s not neat and tidy. And it’s rarely in the storybook, happily-ever-after, all-my-problems-have-vanished way I’ve envisioned.

What do we do when we don’t get to ride off into the sunset right away — or perhaps not at all? When you pray and nothing changes? What can we do when our deliverance is elusive, but our pain is very real? Here are a few things that have helped me:

Love like Jesus.

Often the “thing” we want to change is actually a person. A husband. A wayward child. A co-worker. A boss. A friend. A parent.

When I’ve asked for God to change others, I’ve found that He’s far more interested in changing me — my attitude, my lack of trust in Him and my blindspots about my own behavior.

He’s challenged me over and over again to practice agape love in my challenging relationships. He has not always had a willing student. But I have seen the awesome transformation that occurs in my heart when I listen to the Teacher.

So what exactly is agape love?  A few enlightening definitions: 

Agápē embraces a universal, unconditional love that transcends and serves regardless of circumstances.

Love as revealed in Jesus, seen as spiritual and selfless and a model for humanity.

Who does that? Who loves without expecting anything in return?

Jesus does.

We’re not Jesus. On our own, we are not capable of this kind of love. It’s impossible. It is not in our human nature to give or love without expecting anything in return. I’m not suggesting that we become doormats or that we don’t voice our opinions or concerns. Absolutely not.

Agape is about interacting with others — even those who are so very difficult — in an attitude of love. Even when we disagree. Even when we’re being attacked or misjudged.

I know. It’s not a popular thought.

When we make the choice to do that, it empowers the Holy Spirit to work in and through us. Our hearts begin to soften. We can often actually begin to have compassion for that other person. We gain a peace that isn’t dependent on another person’s behavior. Yet, often they change, too. There are no guarantees. But agape love creates an environment for God to work in his or her life and heart.

It can get discouraging when you pray and nothing changes. Often, it doesn’t happen as quickly as in the movies. I’m impatient. Maybe you are, too. Keep on loving. We never know when our breakthrough is coming.

Seek the Healer, not the outcome.

As I have walked out my chronic illness journey, I have desperately wanted healing. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. When we’re in pain, it is difficult to want anything but to be out of pain. To be delivered from our circumstances.

However, over this past year, I’ve begun to seek the Healer more than the healing. And He’s delivered. Just not in the ways that I thought. I’m still sick. I’m still in pain. But I’ve been healed from the lie that God doesn’t see me, because He’s reminded me in such sweet, tangible ways over and over again that He does.

I’ve been healed of the belief that I can’t really be happy and joyful until I’m well. God has been giving me the ability to find joy even as I suffer. Because it is anchored in my relationship with God, not my ever-changing circumstances. When you pray and nothing changes, know that God is still beautifully and powerfully present.

Look to His past faithfulness. 

In the Old Testament, God delivers the Israelites from plagues and slavery. He parted the Red Sea for them. He dropped food from heaven to nourish them. And yet time after time, they quickly forget what God has done for them and begin to moan and lose heart.

I am an Israelite. So many times, I only focus on my current circumstances and suffering. It only leads to depression and bitterness.

When I look back at the many times and the many ways that God has cared for me in the past, I gain hope. He may not provide in my timing or in my way, but much of the time, I’m grateful for that.

I have such a finite view. I’m learning to trust that the God who knows all and sees all knows what’s best for me. When you pray and nothing changes, it’s important to remember who God is — always good and loving.

Remind Yourself of Truth.

When we’re in pain, our emotions become our truth. We feel that God doesn’t see us. We feel that God doesn’t care about our pain. We don’t understand how a good God could allow us to suffer.

The truth is that God allowed His own dearly loved Son to suffer — precisely because He loves us so much.

I love this quote from author Tim Keller: If we again ask the question, “Why does God allow evil and suffering to continue?” and we look at the cross of Jesus, we still do not know what the answer is. However, now we know what the answer isn’t. It can’t be that he doesn’t love us. It can’t be that he is indifferent or detached from our condition. God takes our misery and suffering so seriously that he was willing to take it on himself.

No, we may not get the fairytale, Hollywood ending. I still can’t help but long for it.

But I know that when I quit trying to change the script and chase an outcome, I experience the joy, hope and love that God so freely gives.

More and more, I’m letting go of the pen and trust Him to write my story. So can you — even when you pray and nothing changes..

 Invisible Wounds: Hope While You’re Hurting is available on Amazon in both Kindle and Paperback versions.