For the past 19 years, I have looked like the picture of health.
Looks can be deceiving.
Until recently, what most people didn’t know was that everyday I have been fighting an unseen battle with chronic pain and the bouts of anxiety and depression that often accompany it.
The birth of my first child — one of the greatest days of my life — was also an event that marked a pronounced shift in my health. As one doctor put it, the trauma of childbirth “flipped a switch” in my body and triggered my autoimmune disease — a frustrating and hard-to treat condition where the body basically attacks itself.
This unwelcome new reality first showed up in the form of interstitial cystitis, a painful, debilitating chronic inflammation of the bladder lining. Over the years, I have also developed migraines, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, hypothyroidism and chronic lower back pain.
After going to doctor to doctor to doctor, I have found little relief. The endless cycle of getting my hopes up, feeling deceived and disappointed– and in some cases worse off than when I started — has left deep emotional wounds too. This journey has affected my family and friendships, my security and my joy. It has sapped every ounce of my strength.
Honestly, it has challenged my trust in a compassionate and loving God that is truly working for my good.
I couldn’t imagine that anyone could truly understand what I was going through — mentally, physically and spiritually. I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. Who would believe I was so sick anyway? I looked fine. And so I kept my battle private — sharing my pain, doubts and struggles only with those closest to me.
Then God began to do something in me over this last year. This past year has been a stretch of brutal, unrelenting pain. I have been struggling not only physically, but mentally and spiritually. I’ve doubted God’s love for me. I’ve questioned how He could love me and yet allow my pleas for relief to go unanswered.
Still, despite my doubts and questions, He began to challenge me to come out of the shadows. To share my pain with others. Not just for my sake, but for theirs. He began to open my eyes to the reality that I was not the only one carrying around an invisible wound.
Maybe you’re out there today looking great, but feeling completely debilitated. It might not be physical. Maybe you’re grieving the loss of a spouse or a child, a broken or difficult relationship, a prodigal child or a history of abuse.
Just because a wound is life-threatening doesn’t mean it isn’t life-altering.
Whatever your hidden wound might be, you might be asking, as I have many times: What do we do when our mourning just never seems to turn into morning?
This new turn in my ministry is the answer that question. After more than three years of full-time mom ministry with Mothering from Scratch, God has made it clear that He’s leading me into a new season.
My journey through this seemingly endless valley of pain and disappointment has recently given way to a renewed faith in God’s goodness even though I don’t always understand His ways. He is showing me how to choose hope, joy and freedom — moment-by-moment, over and over again. He wants you to know that He’ll do it for you, too. You’re not alone, my friend.
Whatever your struggle, whatever season you’re in, I look forward to providing you with spiritual refreshment for your thirsty soul.
For I have satiated the weary soul, and I have replenished every sorrowful soul.
Jeremiah 31:25
6 Comments
Hi Melinda. Thank you for sharing your story. I too have suffered much from an auto-immune disease. I had such debilitating joint pain and inflammation that when I went to the dr he thought my hands were broken. But my pain spread throughout my body. After pouring my heart out to God in prayer numerous times, I started seeing a pattern of my open, desperate prayers and people presenting me with information about a diet change to end auto-immune disease symptoms. Finally after the third such pattern, it dawned on me that God might be speaking to me through others of a way of healing. I changed my diet to an all plants diet and I went from being unable to make a bed or play ring around the rosies with my children to being able to train for half marathon today. It was SO drastic of a change that I wrote about it on the blog I created when my son said,”Don’t you think other people need to know about this Mom?”
I get no money from this site nor have any other motive to tell you or others about this except that I believe that God wants us to heal regardless of race, religion, or finances. There is hope in all diseases for recovery. Sometimes we must suffer and sometimes we are healed, but all of it makes us more compassionate in helping others find healing through Christ. Bless you for your strength, faith, and courage. May you continue in your path to encourage and lift others.
http://www.myrecipeforgranola.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2009-01-28T09:54:00-08:00&max-results=1&start=2&by-date=false&m=1
Thank you for sharing your story with me, Beth. That is so hopeful! It makes me so happy to hear how much better you’re doing. I know as a mom how much you want to be able to do with your kids. And it’s so discouraging when you just don’t feel like doing it. Your son must be a special boy to have that kind of insight.
I agree that our pain produces godly things in us. If only there was some other way, right?! 🙂
I am in an alternative health program right now and have been working on dietary changes/remedies for years, but you never know what might be the one that works! I’ll check out your blog. May God bless you and your family!
Melinda, thank you for your openness it’s nice to hear about real struggles and real doubt. I am retired army and for a long time I shut myself off in a feeble attempt at self preservation to keep people from seeing the hurt in my brain. Recently I felt compelled to begin a ministry at my church for moms and I have met so many wonderful women that have such powerful stories and everyone of them has a level of pain they fight daily. I am known for my high heels, colorful hair and dry sarcasm but it took this group opening up to me for me to share that I use all of those things as a mask. High heels so you can’t see my limp from a crushed pelvis and 7 spinal fractures, colorful hair to cover the scar from the skin graft to replace half of my face and dry sarcasm to survive the looks of pity when people learn that I have 3 children I was told I would never have and that each one should have killed me. I pray that you will continue to share a real view of life as a woman who also struggles with pain and how you overcome the obstacles. Thank you for your time! And thank you for your story.
Mary Beth, thank you so much for sharing your story. It breaks my heart that so many of us walk around with hidden pain that we don’t feel safe sharing. I am SO glad you took the step of faith to start this moms group and begin to open up about your pain. I have found that to be SO freeing! I think the enemy convinces us that isolation is better than risking people not understanding or rejecting us. Some might, but usually we find so much more support than we could have imagined.
Thank you so much for stopping by. I hope that this ministry will continue to bless and encourage you and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your prayers. <3
Dear Melinda,
I sent you a message to your email account, before I read your story. I want you to know that so many of us have debilitating illnesses. If I could share just a little bit about myself I too have chronic pain, sleep deprivation, depression and family problems. I have felt like you, that why does God allow me to suffer like this. I will tell you, that I believe that if God didn’t allow my pain and suffering, that I might loose sight of who He really is. God does love me and it brings me great comfort and joy to know that I am never alone. My story is a long one and if I might start sharing that would be such a blessing to me. I don’t have any close friends who are born again and there are times (most of the time) that I wish that I could talk with another believer. I really look forward to reading more about your new ministry. God bless, Ellen
Hi Ellen, I am so sorry that you are suffering as well. I think you are right. So many, many people suffer in ways that are not always obvious. I would love to hear more of your story, Ellen. I think that sharing helps so much — not only the person sharing, but others. If you’d like to connect via telephone I would love to do that. Just email me and let me know. I greatly appreciate your encouragement and hope this ministry continues to be a blessing to you!
Melinda