I’m so glad my kids challenge me. In fact, my strong-willed kids are one of my greatest gifts.
Now I didn’t always think so.
As a people pleaser (now recovering), I spent many years just wanting them to be “good.” I didn’t like how they challenged my image. I gave in when I should have stood firm because I looked to them for validation. I was uncomfortable and resentful when their behavior pushed me to be tough and set boundaries. The conflict and pushback made me want to run and hide.
So I often offered second, third and fourth chances, when I should have simply given consequences. Took on responsibilities that should have been theirs, simply to keep them happy with me and avoid the turmoil.
I was able to get away with this — for a while.
[Tweet “When strong-willed children come into adolescence it can be like lighting a powder keg. Kaboom! “] Too much permissiveness just blew up in my face.”
They loved me, but they didn’t respect me. So my influence was compromised greatly — just at the time that I needed it the most. It made for an incredibly difficult and painful few years.
But God used it for my — and their — good. I was forced to see the damage my parenting style was doing to my kids. I had to rely on God’s help and guidance like never before.
I had to gain their respect — an uphill battle when you’re starting in the preteen years. So, mom, whatever mistakes you’ve made with your strong-willed child, I’ve probably made more. And yet I’ve seen God “redeem the years the locusts have eaten.” So many times I thought, “It’s too late,” but as I continued to do the right things for my kids, I saw progress. Slow, but steady progress.
I’m not going to lie. It’s been hard work. I had to ask God to help me have a long-term perspective in my parenting — because during this time, the short-term took a lot of courage and involved a lot of angry battles.
However, today, I have imperfect, but solid, healthy relationships with both my kids. I found these three methods very valuable:
Be firm, but stay under control
When they were younger, I set unhealthy patterns. I’d give in over and over and then the resentment would build up and I’d let loose on them with angry words and hollow threats. I was really mad at myself for not being stronger, but it’s always easier to lay the blame on someone else, isn’t it?
To turn things around, I had to take the emotion out of my parenting. I had to acknowledge that I was the one who really needed to change. I was the grownup. And so each day, I asked for God’s strength to be able to stand firm — calmly. I messed up a lot a first. Then, I’d do great for a while and then have a blowout. But as I persevered, I was developing better habits. And as I got calmer and more rational, my kids did, too. It was likely throwing a bucket of cold water on a fire.
[Tweet “To gain my kids’ respect, I had to take the emotion out of my parenting. “]
Be consistent, but flexible
Here’s what I’ve found: Whenever I tried to start a new healthier boundary or pattern with my kids, they pushed back — a lot. But when they saw that I meant business and that I was serious about enforcing a boundary or routine, it didn’t take very long for them to accept it and not complain.
We think our strong-willed kids want us to just give in and back down. But I’ve found that strong-willed children respect strength. When you stand up to them and show resolve and consistency, they usually see you with new eyes. You think they want their own way, but really they want boundaries.
Be loving, even when they’re being rotten
Strong-willed kids have a lot of strong emotions. They can be difficult. But I think they need to know that we love them no matter what. That they’re not a “pain” that we’re just putting up with. That it’s not just about rules and getting them to “behave.” It’s because we love them and want what’s in their best interests.
At times, I’ve found showing them love — a hug or an “I love you” — when they’re being difficult can be very disarming. It tends to break down walls.
It’s taken time, but I’m not afraid that my strong-willed kids won’t like me anymore.
I have their love and respect. They have mine. And that’s much more valuable for all of us.
16 Comments
I am very quick to get angry with my kids…. I also scream and confuse them lots… How do i pray when i am like that to get myself under control… I struggle with this anger my entire life i have prayed for healing but the anger rages on…. How can i teach my kids calmness and to pray when they are upset when i am struggling
Thank you so much for sharing, I too believe that God let me to your Pin as it’s midnight right now and I’m praying for him to guide me, give me wisdom and understanding on how to guide my strong willed 9 year old son and 5 year old daughter. And just reading all this moms comments and their going exactly thru the same thing I am… Ahh !! I’m not alone on this!!!
Loved reading this! My five and half year old and I have been through the ringer lately. I’m 7 months pregnant with my third child and my oldest (five year old) acts like she’s 15. She’s been walking away from me and not being a very good listener. She’s always been extremely strong willed and it’s exhausting. I too am a people pleaser and often feel so embarrassed by her behavior. The once she’s starts in, my three year old follows her lead. Ah! What do you do with regards to discipline?? Stumbling upon this post could not have come at a better time for me! I’d love further insight! Thanks!
I want you to know how much this helped me. I have a very headstrong 12 yr old. I have cried and cried over the years bc of our relationship. It seemed so silly when I would try to explain it to people, trying to get advice. And I thought time was just about up, and I wouldn’t have a chance to get things right. When I read how you turned it around, even in the preteen yrs, it gave me hope! I suppose I gave in bc it was easier, and I wanted him to be happy, and I thought he would respect me bc I loved him. But it did the right opposite. I knew he needed unconditional love, but I didn’t know the right way to mix love and discipline. I feel like I have the tools now! Thank you so much for this post!!
Oh, Amy, that makes me so happy! There IS hope. There was a time with my 13-year-old daughter that I said, “Things will never be right between us.” But she’s 19 now and we have a good relationship. The animosity is just not there anymore. At least not often. 🙂 As she continues to grow and mature, I think it our relationship will just keep getting deeper and stronger. So, yes, there is hope! Stand firm. Sounds like you’re doing great!
Honestly, I scrolled past the pin.. I have a 2yr old who’s absolutely amazing. Strong willed but tender and genuine so at the first glance didn’t catch my eye… then I thought of his dad.
His dad is a very strong willed man. I thought of how his mother could’ve used this very much needed advice!
I saved this pin in the event I may have this challenge with my son one day but most of all a constant reminder to gain respect from his dad. We separated a few months ago and I’m having a hard time finding the reason why… until now. I’m also a people pleaser and “I gave in in hopes for validation “. I understand now that with like my son, his dad needed rules and boundaries from me as well.
Thank you for sharing!
I felt like I had made a mistake that I went to Pinterest for advice concerning “RESPECT,” and children. Then, I saw a mother that desired for The Father, God, to direct her ways in parenting and I knew I was lead to this site. You blessed my soul with your honesty and your flaws. That’s what motherhood is about, not being perfect, wanting to see effective change and never giving up on your child (ren). Thank you! !!
Wonderful advice! My daughter is 4 going on 14. She likes being in control so we often butt heads. Staying calm and rational is vital to developing a healthy, strong relationship. It’s not easy, but, like you said, it’s so worth it!
Thank you for the encouragement. I have a very determined little 2 year old. Sometimes she drives me absolutely bonkers. I’m trying very hard to “be the grown-up.” But boy is it tough.
We had a super rough week were our 3 month old kept waking us up and the 2 year old took 3 hours to get down for a nap and the same for bedtime. Not yelling when I’m so low on sleep has been a major battle that I haven’t always won.
I’m thankful that despite my failings I can know that God’s “mercies are new every morning.” And I can depend on His faithfulness.
I feel like God just blessed my life by somehow leading me to read this post. My five-year old daughter is incredibly strong willed and independent. I too am a “people pleaser” and have a very hard time understanding and knowing how to deal with a stronger personality . At times I can recall breaking down in tears to my husband telling him how frustrated I was and that, ” I feel like her behavior/personality forces me to be the kind of parent I don’t want to be!” I’ll I envisioned as a new mother was tons of love /affection, plenty of positive reinforcement, and if course some discipline over serious matters. It didn’t take long for reality to catch up to me. Almost every day is a fight or battle over something. And sadly I also would let things build until e erything explodes into anger and “empty threats”. I’ve worked so hard to control my emotions, remain consistent and firm, and concern my self less with my child liking me, and more with what’s actually best for my daughter. My husband spoiles/has spoiled her rotton also, he works all the time, so when he’s off and gets to see her he just wants to make her happy and not have to be ” the bad guy”. We are finally in the same page I believe now though, and hopefully we can keep working together to change things. My mother-in-law keeps telling us maybe we should get her assesed for behavior problems or attention issues like ADHD. But I refuse to put a lable on her do young, she is physically and mentally on target for everything her age, I just see what few parents want to admit, that we have dropped the ball the majority of the time since she was born
Over-all, this post is simply amazing, and very reashering. I will continue praying for extra strength, understaning, and encouragment, each day. I am very proud to have a strong willed child, I never wanted my children to struggle with standing up for themselves like I did. But I do not want to loose there respect that is definitely a fear as my child gets older. Thank you so much for your post! I won’t give up! 🙂
This was very reassuring! I have 2 (out of 7) that are strong- willed. One is 14 & the other 7. I have to keep reminding myself not to get sucked into their argumentative tendencies when disciplining them. Whew, those 2 can be mentally exhausting some days! Especially when I’ve got 5 others to care for, each a bit differently
Wow, I so needed to read all of these words. I’m struggling with this right now, with my strong willed 3 year old. I go to bed so many nights feeling like a failure and vow to make changes in the morning…but then back down. This was so encouraging to me. Thank you 🙂
{Melinda} Amanda, I’m so glad this was encouraging to you! I know EXACTLY how you’re feeling. I wish I would have known these things so many years ago. It blesses me to know other moms can be encouraged by my experience and learn from my mistakes. Thank you so much for commenting!
Should be no mom…sorry
Wow.. I’m a people pleaser too. I saw me in you. I’m know mom but I’m a teacher who gives her students too many chnves. Thanks for sharing.