She had quit listening to me.
“I know, Mom! You’ve told me this stuff, like, 1,000 times already! Do I really have to hear another lecture?!”
My preteen daughter turned on her heel and stomped away.
Once — what seemed like a lifetime ago — Molly wanted to hear my thoughts. She hugged me tight and loved nightly “tuck-ins” where we’d pray and giggle.
What happened to that girl?
That girl liked me. This girl traded death stares with me. Her growing demands for independence and my growing desire to protect and control had frequently placed us on a collision course. Our clashes weren’t pretty. Sadly, we both often spoke to each other like adolescents. She was 12. I had to be the grownup.
So, one day I laid a journal on her bed and hoped for the best.
She didn’t want to hear my words, but maybe she would read them.
The first entry I wrote told her how much I loved her and wanted to communicate with her. Not with angry words that left us both feeling empty and hostile, but with words that expressed my heart.
Written words could be well-thought out, instead of spewed with heated emotion. They could be read and re-read when she was ready and open to “hearing’ what I had to say.
I had no idea how she’d respond.
Then, just before she went to bed that night, she gave me this: “Thanks for the journal, Mom. I think it’s a good idea.”
Really? I had a good idea? Maybe there was hope for us after all.
Over the past three years, a number of factors have improved our relationship — prayer and maturity (hers and mine!) — but the journal has been a key component in keeping her heart open. And mine.
I’ve written many “lectures,” apologies and words of advice that I’d never have been able to finish if I’d verbalized them. Plus, they are there for all posterity. One day, she might dismiss them as the rantings of a mom who doesn’t “get it.” But maybe a year later, she’ll view them in a whole new light.
[Tweet “A journal has been a key component in keeping my child’s heart open. And mine.”]
God is patient in this way with His children, too. He keeps speaking to us, even when our hearts are hard. Even when we don’t think He “gets” our longings and hardships. He waits for the day that we come to Him with our eyes opened to the wisdom we once lacked the perspective and maturity to embrace.
A while back, I wrote a long and heartfelt note in the journal. At the end of the day, I looked in her room and saw the journal in the exact same place I’d left it.
“So, are you going to read the journal?” I asked her, trying to act nonchalant.
“Yes, Mom. But sometimes I like to save it so I have something to look forward to.”
Now that’s something to write home about.
Today’s Challenge: If your child is old enough to read and write, consider starting a journal with them. Even if you aren’t having the communication problems I was having with my daughter, it will be a beautiful way to bond and develop heartfelt conversation with your child. You may find, as I did, that it becomes your lifeline if and when you do hit some rough patches.
How does writing a journal relate to bold faith? You may find that you are better able to express your faith, your values and your love for God in the written word, especially as they hit the preteen and teen years. And it will be a forever testament that they will be able to read and reflect on for years to come. You never know how the Holy Spirit will work, even through those words you wrote years ago.
For it is not you who will be speaking–it will be the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. Matthew 10:20
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11 Comments
Wonderful tips! It was reassuring to know that I’m doing the right things…! Great Article, Very Informative. Keep up the good work.
Thank you for sharing this. My son is going through a difficult age. First girlfriend, family situations have changed, school pressures, etc… and we have been at a never ending battle of screaming and yelling. He’s sarcastic and there’s no getting through to him it feels like. I tried the journal for the first time tonight and it’s so far its been great. Thank you. I hope this really helps.
I kept a journal as a child, and I would have loved to communicate with my mother this way. My daughter is only 5 now, but I will use this idea when she is older. I think for now I will adapt a version of drawing simple,positive messages enforcing what I love about her.
I loved journaling as a teen and you know now that I think of it, this hits home. Its easier to say it written down then fighting to say it out loud. I’ve thought of it before but now I think I’ll act on it. My son came from a rough life before we got him 8 months ago and maybe just maybe this can help us communicate better, we took him in our home to help him and I want to see him succeed.
I have a 12 year old daughter myself, and it is sometimes a struggle to talk to her. I love this idea! I am a writer myself, but I have never thought of communicating with her through a journal. I am much better with words on paper than I am with the spoken word. I am totally going to try this. Thank you for the idea!
Wow, what a wonderful idea! I have two teenage boys, and a little girl of 4 years old. I think I’ll start doing this with my boys (I guess boys also love to communicate with their mom, at heart) and in a few years it will be good for my little girl as well. Thank you!
Marianne, The Netherlands
Hi! This is the first time I’ve come across your website and I love it!
Not sure if this is a coincidence or God is showing this to me…but sometimes (I’m guilty for doing it after I feel bad about how something went with us) I’ll write her a little note telling her how much I love being her mom. The last time I wrote one she asked me, “mom can you write me these letters forever …till the day I die?” I didn’t know it meant so much to her till then. She’s only 6, but I was thinking even if I write her something I could just read it aloud to her or my husband can. I think this is a great idea! Growing up, I would write my parents apology notes. It helped. But it felt awkward. So hopefully it won’t be like that with my daughter. We seem to butt heads A LOT and I’m trying to fix that. Thanks!
{Melinda} Thanks so much for stopping by, Kelly! I think the key to the journal was just writing to her for “no reason” … not just apologies, but just consistent words of encouragement or positive things I see in her. I think you are starting it early, so she’ll really grow to love this kind of communication. My daughter and I had a very rocky relationship when I started this, and it really wasn’t awkward after the first couple of times. I think your daughter will continue to love it!
As a mom to a teen myself – I love this journal idea – you are passing down something invaluable!
Stopping by from SIT’s!
{Melinda} I was surprised how much my teen loved it, Shashi!