It was Molly’s first science fair project.
But she was only in third grade. She clearly needed a lot of guidance, especially since it was her first one and all.
So from the very beginning, I was so helpful!
I chose the experiment, bought the supplies and pretty much let my perfectionistic and controlling tendencies run wild.
And then I was absolutely stumped and frustrated when she didn’t seem to take much interest in my — I mean, her — project.
This has been a struggle for me as long as my kids have been in school. I started “helping” early and often. And, I can assure you, it was not in my kids’ long-term best interest. It didn’t encourage them to take ownership of their work. But, it was worse than that: It sent a message to them that I didn’t think they were capable of learning to do their work by themselves.
Certainly, I’m not suggesting we never help our children with their schoolwork. But there is a line — and we usually know when we’ve crossed it.
As moms, we care so much about their future. And we can feel as if their success — or lack of it — is somehow a reflection of our effectiveness and motivating power as their mother. But “taking over” is not the answer.
So how do we turn it over to them?
Equip don’t enable. One of my children struggles with organization. For a long time, I helped said child by dutifully delivering forgotten homework, folders, books and notebooks. Which cleared the problem right up. Not. Finally, I got smart. I bought and helped my child assemble a “master binder.” Remember Trapper Keepers? Same idea. I bought a 1″ 3-ring notebook, and plastic folders with pockets (with holes) that could be put in the notebook. I gave the child a Sharpie to write the subject name on each notebook. Voila! Everything was organized and it was all in one place. I was stunned at how much this one simple tool helped my child. This system has worked beautifully for almost four years. And I’ve saved a fortune on gas.
Encourage don’t criticize. I’ve been there. Yelling, pleading and criticizing. All in the hopes an internal switch will go on and they’ll suddenly say, “Oh yes, Mother, you are so wise. I’ve been so irresponsible and lazy. I have seen the error of my ways. Thank you for your helpful insights.” Think about the last time you were motivated by nagging. Exactly. So why should we expect our kids will be? Start speaking genuine words of life and encouragement. For example, “You have a natural talent for math. I know if you work hard, you can do well on that project.” or “Great job on your English test. I know you studied hard for that.” Watch for areas where they’re doing well and build on that.
Set boundaries. Here’s the rule in our house: If you’re doing your homework and getting grades that reflect your potential, I’ll leave you alone. But if you start goofing off and missing assignments, all bets are off. I’m going to get in your business. Which means being more closely monitoring. Setting “homework time” each day — where I can see you. I can’t force my children to do their work during that time — or to do it well — but I can create boundaries and an environment that encourages it. Once they show me they are back on track, I can let them take control of how and when they do their homework again. Remember, the goal is for them to take ownership and initiative. I’ve found they don’t want mommy looking over their shoulder, so they step up.
Don’t take it personally. We can equip, we can encourage, we can set boundaries, but we can’t force our kids to be internally motivated. Only they can do that. And when they don’t seem to care the way we want them to, we can feel angry, frustrated and guilty.
But it’s not about us, Mom. We can’t place our emotional well-being into the hands of our children. They can’t handle it, it’s not healthy and it doesn’t move them any closer to being independent and self-motivated.
In fact, when they sense it is especially important to you, they will probably do the opposite. Our kids need us to be in control of our emotions and calmly do what is in their best interest. There are no guarantees, but I have found that approach is much more effective. We have to save the emotional breakdowns for our bedrooms. (And, believe me, I’ve had a few.)
The more we detach emotionally and equip, the better chance our kids will gain confidence and develop that elusive internal motivation.
9 Comments
Exactly! This is wonderful advice! It is not always easy to follow it, but it is worth following! Thanks for the tips…and reminders! 🙂
I am absolutely with you here. We have never really helped with projects or assignments unless the kids specifically come to us for something. You can definitely tell whose parents did the project and whose didn’t. It’s so much better in the long run if the kids take accountability on their own. One of my friends who went back to school for another degree was telling me she has young students in her college classes who have made comments that their parents filled out their college application or wrote an essay. In college! Will Mommy or Daddy go with them on the job interview as well? I just read an article that said this is happening now on occasion. *Shaking my head*
{Melinda} I’ve heard of that, too … when Kathy took her sons up to college for orientation, she was blown away by how the parents behaved like they children were two years old and couldn’t be trusted to do anything for themselves. Hello? You are going to leave them here, aren’t you? What are they going to do then? Every time I find myself enabling, I try to force myself to think about the big picture and whether what I’m doing is going to help them get where they need to be.
LOVE THIS. I used to be the “helping mom” too, but things have changed since my second started school and I have learned that the less I help the better. My fifth grader does it all on her own, until she has a question- and I love that!! It was a slow process- but she is pretty independent! And my second moans and groans for help still- and I say he can figure it out on his own or at least try a bit longer and then I will help.
I guide- I never do. Oh sometimes it would be so much easier to do!! But then what do they learn?
{Melinda} That’s a great guideline, Chris — guiding, but not doing. Doing makes US feel better, but it rarely serves them well in the long run.
My kids are a bit young but I imagine this will be a struggle for us eventually. My parents never did my projects or homework. I resented them at the time, but I still remember one of my teachers loving my little “homemade car” for a Physics class, while everyone else’s cars were clearly made by their parents. I got an A just for being the only one to do it myself!
{Melinda} What a great teacher! Sometimes I don’t always think they take the “parent help factor” into consideration when handing out grades. Sounds like your parents set a great example for you. Your kids will benefit from that as you continue that model in your house!
great post and I want Dino to own and take responsibility for his work, but then there are parents who do it for their kids…making other kids hard work seem shotty. That always gets me upset.
{Melinda} I agree … I quickly realized that I can’t be doing what they should be doing for themselves. Even if it means they get a lower grade. That guiding principles is going to be far more beneficial to them than the A that I helped them earn on a project!