“I need you to be calm.”
My daughter — 14 at the time — and I were having a heated exchange.
I can’t even remember what it was about. During those early teen years, we had a lot of “heated” discussions.
Common ground seemed impossible to find.
Sometimes she’d take the complete opposite viewpoint — just to see how I’d react. Which is pretty normal for teenagers.
And pretty aggravating for mothers.
Other times, I’d have in my head how she should be acting, what she should be doing — based on my expectations. That’s not all bad … but I would often not take into account her personality, her tendencies and how God made her.
I’d start out all rational. So controlled. Determined to not use sarcasm or become angry.
And then all “me” would break loose. You know, the “me” that isn’t listening to the Holy Spirit’s guidance. The “me” that just wants my way — and to get the last word.
Because I’m the parent, don’t ya know.
But in the middle of this particular day’s battle, my daughter just stopped cold. She was on the verge of tears. And she said simply, “Mom, I just need you to be calm.”
That conversation happened almost three years ago. But I still think of her words often when I feel myself starting to come unglued. (Sometimes it works better than others. I’m still a work in progress.)
What she was saying was, “I’m a kid. I need YOU to be the calm one, the rock solid voice of reason, the one I can go to for wisdom and comfort when everything inside me and around me is going crazy.”
Our mouth isn’t the only part of our body that needs to be under control as we mother our kids. Self-control — from head to toe — can make a big impact on our contentment. And on our children and families.
Self control requires repetition. We have to be intentional. Because if we don’t have a plan, we’ll just do what comes naturally. And, at least for me, that rarely ends well.
So, here’s a few ways that we can exercise self-control. It’s a workout from head to toe. But when we’re disciplined, everybody wins:
Quit feeding negative thoughts. We often can’t help what thoughts pop into our head. They might be worried thoughts about our kids’ well-being or academics. Or hostile thoughts about our kids or our husband.
We can choose to keep dwelling on and feeding those thoughts. Which just feeds our worry, anger, fear, etc. And those thoughts end up spilling out of my mouth.
Or, we can stop them in their tracks. Stopping those thoughts before they get rolling isn’t easy. I actually think that’s the hardest part. I say a quick prayer. I’ve memorized Scripture that addresses the area(s) I tend to obsess about. So, I’ll repeat those in my mind. Or, I’ll physically do something else to get my mind refocused. With practice, it gets easier — and more automatic.
Find some cheerleaders. We all know people — both in real life and online — that mostly complain and rant about their kids or their marriages. Before we know it, we’re joining in. It feels good to let it all out. But does it improve our attitude? Make us feel more positive about our family? Give us encouragement and solutions for our struggles?
Nope. Nope. And nope.
We have to choose to steer clear or walk away from those negative voices whenever we encounter them. It does not enhance our attitude or ability to work through the challenges of motherhood. Spend time with people that encourage and inspire you to be better.
Share the heavy lifting. For years, I could have sported the title of “Enabling Queen.” Rescuing when the project when my child didn’t finish their project. Not giving appropriate responsibilities around the house. Making excuses instead of enforcing boundaries.
In the long run, we’re not doing them any favors. Quite the opposite. We have to stop doing for our kids when they should be doing for themselves.
Walk away regularly. We’re human. Losing our cool? Well, it’s going to happen sometimes. And I’ve found that it’s helpful to just walk away before I say something I regret. I’ve told my teenagers many times, “I can’t talk to you about this right now. When I cool down in a few minutes, we’ll discuss it.” I’ve never regretted walking away.
Like any exercise plan, self-control is hard. It doesn’t feel good. Sometimes we can’t always see the benefits immediately.
But when we finally do, all those workouts will be worth it.
This post is part of our eight-week series, “Spirited Mom: A Fruity Look at Mothering.” We’re focusing on a different Fruit of the Spirit each week, as it applies to mothering.
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13 Comments
This is a good post. Parenting is HARD and I think anything we can do to make it easier is definitely on the right track. I love that you say you’ve never regretted walking away to calm down. I think it helps that I’ve been through this twice before. My two older boys had a lot of the same problems and they have both turned into very successful adults, so I have a good blueprint to work from. That gives me hope that there will be a happy ending to all this chaos.
love this post, great tips…I often hear Dino whimper are you mad at me…and I cringe…I hate that I make him feel that way…he looks so scared and alone. I know I need to practise these tips so I can be ready whenhe is a teen.
{Melinda} Yes, I just commented to Tamara that moms are wise to get their anger/impulses under control with their kids when they’re young. Because it can really come back to bite you when they’re preteen and teens. I learned that the hard way. My daughter and I have a much better relationship than we did a few years ago, but it has definitely taken work on both of our parts.
My daughter is only four and she has started conversations with, “Now don’t get upset but…” It makes me worry that maybe she’s seen me upset too may times. I’m a pretty calm person but I have my limits. When she says things like that, it makes me change everything.
{Melinda} I wish I had gotten my mouth impulses under better control when my kids were younger. It would have made the middle school years so much easier. So you are so wise to be aware of this and making adjustments now, Tamara. You’re such a good mom — I see that every time I visit your blog. 🙂
This happens all the time with me and my yet to be tweenie. He seems, or rather I often seem to let all of “me” out, but I have known how to delay it and get “myself” under Holy Ghost Control. Thanks for this post Melinda!
{Melinda} You’re welcome, Ugochi! I think it is a constant process for all of us moms. We are so emotionally tied to our kids and they can push buttons like no one else!
Great stuff! I definitely needed to read that. Self-control *is* hard because it is a denial of self to put others first. It’s going beyond yourself and what you want and the desired outcome you foresee and actually listening to what God and the other person need/want. It requires reigning in our pride and tempers and seeing what is truly needed/wanted, not what is being said (they are quite often *not* the same thing). I am a work in progress in this area, too, so thank you so much for letting me know I am not alone and reminding me of things that I can do to help. 🙂
{Melinda} You expressed all that so well, Julie. I think there’s something inside of us that says, “But I’m right! I’ve been wronged here! I need to retaliate!” When our job is not to retaliate. It’s to set boundaries and be consistent. And yet loving. Not angry. Not vengeful.
Truly takes the power of God in my to do that! You are definitely not alone, Julie. And just knowing others are fighting the good fight in this area always encourages me, too. 🙂
Out of the mouth of babes, huh? It is often difficult to find the adult inside yourself when your buttons are pushed. Oh the parenting stories I could tell! Good tips. Thanks for sharing.
{Melinda} Such a great way to put it: “difficult to find the adult inside yourself when your buttons are pushed.” Amen, sister … I can tell that your a mama who has been there, done that. 🙂 Thanks so much for stopping by!
I hear you loud and clear on this one. I needed to read this. My teenage daughter and I butt heads all the time. I think she does it just to get a rise out of me. I often try to walk away and give myself a “time out,” but she chases me down and continues…I need to get it through her head that I need that cooling off time. These are great tips.
{Melinda} You know, Molly used to do that alot, too. But I’d just stop and say, “I’m not trying to be rude or not listen to you. But this is going to end really badly right now. So let me walk away and don’t follow me.” I think when she realized I wasn’t just shutting her out, it helped. She doesn’t do that as often now.