Constant pushback.
It’s Strategy #1 in the Teenager “Wear Mom Down” Handbook.
Can’t I stay out later? All my friends get to!
Really?! I have to go to tutoring tonight?
Can’t YOU just do my laundry from now on?
I only missed one homework assignment! Why can’t you give me a break?!
They keep asking the same questions over and over again, expecting different answers.
But I have this crazy theory. My kids act like they want me to give in, give up the fight. They seem to want to make me tire of the same old battles.
But secretly, I think they hope I’ll stand firm. Deep down, in places they’d never admit existed, they want me to keep fighting for them.
Because when I do, it can mean only one thing: Love. Not the superficial “feel-good” kind of love. No, it’s the “I-don’t-care-what-you-say-or-do-or-how-you-fight-me-I’m-going-to-keep-doing-the-right-thing-for-you” kind of love. That’s the kind of love we all crave.
We’d never give up completely on our kids. But exhaustion and discouragement can tempt us to wave the white flag in little ways. They seem insignificant, but each time we give in when we know we should ‘man up,’ it makes it a little easier the next time. And little compromises tend to lead to bigger ones.
How ’bout you? Ever been plagued by thoughts like these?
“The kids never listen to a word I say anyway. What’s the use?”
“They don’t appreciate a thing I do for them.”
“I’m so tired. I’ll let it slide — just this once.”
And then I consider this definition of faithfulness: “To follow through with a commitment regardless of difficulty.” Another source I found defined it as “Love hanging on.”
Faithfulness is a concious and tenacious choice. It isn’t swayed by emotion. It isn’t changed by circumstances.
In motherhood, faithfulness is driven by one goal: To act in the best interest of our children. Even if they talk back. Even when we’re weary. Even when it doesn’t seem like it’s making a difference.
Whew. That’s a tall order. We can’t do it alone.
So where can we turn? What can we do?
Here’s what helps me keep hanging tough when everything inside me wants to wimp out:
1.) I stay connected to God. I have to be in His Word. It keeps what I know to be true in the forefront of my mind. Promises like “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength” (Phil. 4:13) help me counteract those deceptive thoughts that plague me. It reminds me to draw on His power. Romans 8:11 tells us that the “Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you!” That kind of power can help me keep going — even with teenagers!
2.) I cry out to God. It’s not just “Help me, God!” Sometimes it’s more like, “I have nothing. Nada. Not one ounce of energy for this fight. I can’t keep doing this. Give me your strength.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed this prayer at certain points in my mothering journey. And He delivers.
3.) I reach out to others. We weren’t meant to do this motherhood gig alone. Knowing that others are fighting the good fight along with me makes me feel less alone. Hearing some words of wisdom from another mom who has been there and survived gives me hope. “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” (Prov. 27:17)
4.) I get some sleep. My mothering world can seem like it’s falling apart at 10 p.m. But then I go to bed. And eight hours later, everything seems a little brighter, a little less difficult. Amazing how just a little rest can improve our perspective and recharge our resolve to carry on.
5.) I get back up when I’ve been knocked down. Sometimes, at the end of the day, I know I’ve blown it. Said angry words. Lost my patience over little things. Made selfish choices. And the enemy comes in and says, “See. You aren’t cut out for this. It’s too hard. You’re screwing this up.” Listening to that voice keeps us in an ugly place. Discouraged. Defeated. No matter how down I might feel at that moment, I’ve learned to say, “Tomorrow is a new day. I can start over.”
Faithfulness says, “I won’t let go. I won’t quit.”
I’m determined to keep standing firm with my kids. (Even though they pretend not to like it.)
This post is part of our eight-week series, “Spirited Mom: A Fruity Look at Mothering.” We’re focusing on a different Fruit of the Spirit each week, as it applies to mothering.
20 Comments
My children are MASTERS at the wear down. I think deep down inside…they totally hope I give in. I don’t give in that often. I keep trying to tell them, if you want me to change my mind, I am far more likely to do that if you present me a rational reason why than to annoy me to death by asking me 100 time. So far they’ve not really tried the rational approach. If they ever do, I might have to give in just to make it worth their while. –Lisa
Oh how well I know this fight! My daughter is now 18 and we’ve been thru the “so and so’s mom let’s them”. My reply was the same each and every time “different homes have different rules, and in this house that is the rule”. She didn’t like that answer, but that’s what she got. Luckily we made it thru….with a wonderful relationship.
So true! Mothering seems so much easier when I’ve got a full night’s sleep.
I can’t even count how many times I’ve felt like throwing in the towel. If it wasn’t for my faith and God, I don’t know where I’d be. We definitely have to turn things over to a higher power because trying to handle all that life throws our way on our own is tiring and very discouraging at times.
Also, I’ve learned that people have been put in our lives for a reason. And that reason is to ask for help, company and encouragement when we need it.
Love this: “Tomorrow is a new day. I can start over.” Oh, how I need to remember this. Thank you.
This is good and has so much truth. Our kids need to know we mean what we say so they can trust us with the really hard things. And it’s okay to let things go because we’re tired…just as long as we’re in it for the long haul. Visiting from SITS.
#2 and #3 are two things I do. This summer has worn on me. It has been one of the hardest ones. I am thankful for you guys and your continued prayers. I needed to read this because I want so bad to believe that deep down, he is happy I am the way I am. Deep down, he is thankful that I never give up. As always, it is like sitting in church and feeling like the sermon is meant for me to hear.
Yes, I been there many times. Done that many times. Thank you for motivating me to not give up. To stand firm and keep doing things out of love for my children. And for those times I feel like I have blown it, God’s grace would pick me up and a start again.
{Melinda} It’s so comforting to know that He is always there to offer His grace. He sees our hearts and values our imperfect efforts. What a relief! 🙂
Oh, how I LOVE this post! It is so perfect! I know that I can say for a fact that I am know that I always wanted my parents to stand firm. I don’t know why, but I was one who wanted to try the reigns and find that no matter how hard I fought, they weren’t going anywhere. I wasn’t a big rebel, but I had my moments. I even do this at times to my husband, I hate to admit it, hoping that he will call me out.
I don’t know what it is about human nature that makes us want to question why and to fight back, but I have to think back to when Jacob wrestled with God. God let him wrestle with Him, but He didn’t let him win, and it cost Jacob the proper use of his leg because Jacob needed to stop and refused to do so. God could’ve taken his life, but He did not, and He didn’t even get mad that Jacob wrestled with Him. God taught Jacob a lesson through it, and proved to Jacob that He loved him enough to stop him and He even blessed him in the end.
I learn from this that it is not wrong to ask God why or to hurt and want to fight, but it IS wrong to have a bad attitude and blame. We all struggle, and our struggles can cost us (i.e. leave scars that we should never have had), but they can also teach us. God doesn’t want us to blindly follow…He just wants us to realize He has our best interests at heart and choose to trust and follow Him. He is faithful to be there, ready to show us the right way, unyeilding in what is right and waiting for us to realize it.
Again, great post!
{Melinda} An incredibly insightful comment, as always, Julie. Yes! Jacob wrestled, too — but not disrespectfully. That’s what I always tell my kids: You can disagree, you can not like it, you can be angry, but you can’t be disrepectful. We can’t be afraid of our kids disagreeing with us, though. I used to be! But questioning is good. Like Jacob, it helps them to wrestle through issues and clarifies what they believe or helps them understand better. God’s not afraid of us disagreeing with Him! 🙂
Probably because He realizes that we’ll eventually realize He is right. 🙂 I know He’d like to save us from the scars, but those are our choice. We choose to make the choices that will scar us or follow His way that will lead to no scars of our own making. If we thought about it more that way, maybe we’d make better decisions…I know I would, anyway.
We have 5 teenagers all at once here, and boy was this a breath of fresh air! Thank you for the encouragement, especially in this day and age when we live in a world of indulgence.
{Melinda} Five teenagers — you have my undying respect. 🙂 Actually, even though they are challenging at times, I really like so many things about having teenagers. But they can wear you down and we DO have to hang tough. If we won’t, who will? Thanks so much for your comment, Heather. Glad you were encouraged! 🙂
Of course they want you to stand firm. That is true love and they know it! I have been working on reaching out to others in my own life. I try to deal with stuff on my own so much and am learning that talking helps. That one in particular resonated with me but of course I love them all.
{Melinda} Joi, my tendency is to want to be self-sufficent, too, but talking it out can really help. Talking helps me process my own thoughts/feelings and often I come up with my own solutions just by having someone listen. 🙂
I needed to hear this today. One of my children tries hard to push every button I have and some days I do feel like just letting things slide because I am so very tired. But you’re right, I do need to get back up when I’ve been knocked down. Thanks for the reminder!
{Melinda} You’re so welcome, Michelle! I can relate to all you said. It helps me to think back to other times I let things slide and it didn’t work out well. And that motivates me to hang tough, too. It’s not easy.
okay this made me cry…I know I always cry.
that line about kids trying to get us to give in, but they are really testing to see if we love them enough to stand firm. I so believe that. my parents did it with me, and I plan to do that with Dino.
I always tell himm, I’m your mommy, I love you adn I want to keep you healthy/safe that is why you can’t or must do this.
{Melinda} Awww … you’re such a good mom, Karen. Dino looks like such a content, loved little guy. 🙂