I had a feeling it was going to happen.
I was at the grocery store with my son Micah, 13. He immediately asked to push the cart.
I’ve learned that this is a tactic to get me through the store quicker. Like most men, my son is not fond of shopping. For that reason, I rarely take him with me, but occasionally it can’t be avoided.
“Micah, slow down. You’re going too fast. You’re going to run someone over.”
“I won’t! You worry too much, Mom.”
But moments later, right in the middle of the taco aisle, it happened. I stopped to pick up a jar of salsa.
And Micah (aka Dale Earnhardt, Jr.), who was coming up behind me at warp speed, didn’t allow for this sudden course diversion.
I’m not sure if you’ve ever had a metal shopping cart slammed into your ankle tendon, but I don’t recommend it.
My immediate reaction was (extreme pain and) anger: “I knew it!!! I told him not to go too fast or follow too close, but he didn’t listen!”
I took a deep breath and a few moments to calm down.
“”I know you didn’t mean to, Micah. It hurts alot, but I’m okay.”
His face softened. “I really didn’t mean to! I’m sorry!”
The rest of the shopping trip continued without incident — and at a much slower pace.
I shudder to think about how many times I’ve handled situations like this very differently. I’ve allowed my anger to rule my words. I’ve assumed that my child’s disobedience, impulsivity or immaturity was somehow a personal assault. Just like patience, kindness doesn’t come naturally to me.
When I was researching kindness for this blog post, I gained a new understanding of the depth of it meaning. I’d always assumed that kindness was simply “being nice toward others.”
But kindness goes much deeper than that. One of the Bible dictionaries I read described it as “common grace.” And what is grace? Unmerited or undeserved favor.
Strong’s Bible Dictionary defines it as “sweetness of disposition, gentleness in dealing with others, benevolence, kindness, affability. The word describes the ability to act for the welfare of those taxing your patience.” (emphasis mine)
Hmmm … does that last phrase seem like it might apply to mothering?
Romans 2:4 tells us that “God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance.” And Titus 3:4-5 says, “But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.” (emphasis mine)
Isn’t that what we want in our children when they disobey or show disrespect — a soft heart that is quick to repent?
And yet, I know, if I’m not consciously aware of it, my natural tendency is to be harsh and angry. I can be quick to inflict consequences without applying “common grace.”
I’m certainly not suggesting that we don’t give consequences and boundaries to our children. That’s why kindness and “goodness” are paired together in Galatians. They go together.
Goodness means “uprightness” or strong moral character. And we want that for our children, too. Too much tolerance and permissiveness doesn’t achieve that. But neither does a harsh, unyielding set of rules.
Showing kindness with the goal of helping to instill goodness in our children truly requires the power and wisdom of the Holy Spirit. He knows them far better than we do.
I know I need Him to help me know exactly what my child needs in each specific situation: Love? Grace? Discipline? All three? That knowledge helps me determine when, how and if consequences should be given.
When we show kindness to our children — with the goal of goodness in mind — we disarm our child’s defensiveness. Kindness makes them much more likely to look at their own actions. Instead of blame or make excuses.
Kindness communicates love. It says, “I love you and am going to act in your best interest in spite of your actions.”
And it opens the door for the Holy Spirit to work to soften their hearts.
In Micah’s case, I just hope He can keep up.
This post is part of our 8-week series, “Spirited Mom: A Fruity Look at Mothering,” where we’re exploring the Fruits of the Spirit as they apply to mothering.
24 Comments
A great example that happens to me all the time and a lovely and motivating way to explain how being kind to our children teaches them. Thank you! I will be sharing this! Sheila
Love, Love, Love this post! I have been working on this with my own kiddos. I have been studying 1 Corinthians 13. So far I am stuck on the first verse. Love is patient, Love is Kind. Last weeks post about being patient with our kids was great. This is the 2nd part I needed. It gave me a much better understanding of kindness. Thank you so much! I am enjoying this Fruit of the Spirit series! LOVE this blog!
Melanie@getahoot.com
#SitsShareFest
Wow! Thanks for this post Melinda, it is so hard for me, my children are super-hyper-active. But I will work hard on responding in kindness, it enables God to work on our children and it does yields better results.
{Melinda} My kids are very high-energy, too, Ugochi, so I understand the challenges! It really does take the Holy Spirit’s power.
Oh how I love this post as I too live with a budding cart racer and have been rammed a few times. Would you mind sharing this in our momma notes. Just moms. Sharing our notes. Creating a melody. This is exactly what we are needing to be encouraged and reminded of how God can use us as moms in our every day.
Posted our momma notes tonight. A day late. But it works. So hoping you can come and join. Share your words. your encouragement. your anything mom.
Just moms. Sharing our notes. Creating a melody.
http://justsarahdawn.blogspot.com/2013/07/syllable-by-syllable.html
{Melinda} Sarah, I’d be happy to share … I’ve been on vacation and just got back to WiFi today (we were on a cruise). If it’s not too late I’ll still join in and share my notes. 🙂
I’ve had to bite my tongue a few times this week. Once, I had to completely step out of the house to breathe. It’s those few seconds that make all the difference. 🙂 Hope your ankle is better!
{Melinda} I so agree, Crystal!! If I can have enough self-control to take those few seconds, I find my response is usually very different than the one I would have delivered a few seconds earlier!
It is so hard to hold back a sharp tongue to allow kind words to overtake our angry thoughts!
{Melinda} I so agree!! I have to ask for God’s help all the time, Michelle! 🙂
Ouch! I can only imagine how painful it was to have that shopping cart ram into you. Kudos to you, though, for taking a minute to calm down before letting him know it hurt you. I’m afraid I would have lashed out in anger. I definitely need to learn to not act so quickly and think before I speak.
{Melinda} I reacted calming THAT time … there’s been so many times I’ve reacted in anger. It is something I’m always working on!
I love this post! So often we forget that kindness is including in discipline. We should discipline because we want to correct behavior that will hurt them, not because we are angry and they inconvenienced us. It is not always an easy line to find, and we often cross it, but this is where grace and mercy and humbleness steps in. It seems we learn as they learn, and that’s ok, as long as we keep trying. 🙂
The hardest part of discipline for my kids is not any punishment that may come, but the talk we have where I tell them I love them and we are doing this (whatever the punishment is) because we want what is best for them and this is why we don’t do these sort of things, etc. The talk is always done in a calm, loving manner and in kindness, and it is always the part that hurts the most for my kids. Why? Because they realize that they need to change, that they hurt or offended with behavior…and they realized that they deserve harsh and they are getting kind/love, that the punishment is for their best, etc. and it hurts so much more and makes the lesson stick (most of the time).
I am not a perfect person – I have disciplined without taking time to think first or reacted instead of responded (there is a HUGE difference) to behavior, and when I do, I apologize and ask for forgiveness. It’s humbling and helps me to remember kindness, patience, grace and love need to rule. Yes, I will deal with the inappropriate behavior, but they don’t need me to be inappropriate in my response – 2 wrongs don’t make a right.
Anyway, great post! That’s for the reminders.
{Melinda} This is such a beautiful and insightful comment, Julie. Yes, our response should be in THEIR best interest not a response to how we have been wronged or inconvenienced. It requires a selflessness that we just don’t possess as humans! I have to ask for the Holy Spirit to help get the “ME” out of the way. Our response, if it’s kind and loving, is such an example for our children. I want to set that kind of example. <3
Me, too! 🙂
I know I need this post! So many times I need to take a deep breath and just bite my tongue!
{Melinda} Oh, me, too, Michelle! Researching for this post was very convicting! 🙂
Absolutely love this: the ability to act for the welfare of those taxing your patience.” Wow.
I had a rabid fear of shopping carts when my girls were little. The oldest drove very cautiously and slowly, the other was a little Michah. 🙂
Yes, it pays HUGE dividends to respond with kindness, especially to our children. The trick is to practice it so much that it becomes our default response. I’m still practicing , two decades later, lol.
{Melinda} Oh, yes, Kim! I LONG for it to become my default response! I need much more practice, too. 🙂
I sometimes forget and react badly and feel awful…then other times I take that breath and show kindness and compassion…those are the moments. I know I have to take more breaths…thankfully Dino is such a sweet and kind boy he is always thinking of others as much as a 4 year old can, lol.
{Melinda} I forget, too, Karen. I have to ask God to help me multiple times a day in multiple situations! Dino does look very sweet! <3