It’s been thirteen years, but I’ll never forget his exact words.
“We got the results back from Micah’s cystic fibrosis test. It was very positive.”
Late at night, in a dark, lonely hospital waiting room, Micah’s pediatrician delivered that devastating pronouncement.
Looking back, I’m so grateful he chose to say “very positive.” It left no doubt. No second-guessing. The only option was to move forward and confront this frightening new reality.
We were to check in to All Children’s Hospital — 1 1/2 hours away — the next day. Micah, 7 months old at the time, had to be evaluated and treated by a team of specialists. We had to be trained on how to care for him. I was numb. But paralysis wasn’t an option. We went about making the appropriate phone calls and arrangements.
No one could tell us with certainty what the future would hold.
By the time we completed all the paperwork and headed for Micah’s floor, it was almost nighttime. When you’re dealing with grief, the darkness carries a heaviness that makes everything seem even more depressing.
As we walked to Micah’s room, I noticed that each door had an animal sticker by the child’s name. When we got to Micah’s door, I spotted Micah’s sticker and immediately felt tears well up in my eyes.
It was such an insignificant thing. But not to me. It was a familiar little yellow duck with feathers sticking up on his head. We had decorated Micah’s room several months after he was born (poor, neglected second child!). By that time, Micah had a personality and a shock of white blonde hair that stuck up. I chose bedding with that exact duck because it reminded me of him.
It’s funny the things that God can use to speak to you. What He instantly said to my heart was, “I see Micah. I know him intimately. I am here.”
He confirmed that message a short time later. I was sitting in the room alone, when a sweet nurse named Mary Beth walked in. Without a word, she pulled up a chair next to mine and sat down. She took my hand and said simply, “Micah is the apple of God’s eye. We don’t understand why things like this happen. But He is here. He loves that little boy more than we can possibly imagine.” And she prayed with me.
In the middle of suffering, God was present. He was revealing Himself to me deeply in a way that I had not experienced Him before.
It’s in these kind of moments — during times of pain and suffering — that I understand the words of Nehemiah, “The joy of the Lord is my strength.” I can find joy and strength in His presence, trusting He will “work all things together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.”
The words of James 1:2-4 can be difficult to comprehend: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
Who in their right mind would find joy in trouble and trials? And yet, over the years, I’ve watched God work powerfully in my life to build compassion, perseverance and strength …
when my mother died of cancer,
when our house was nearly destroyed by a hurricane,
when I’ve suffered physically with no relief in sight.
I have found joy in the deeper relationship with Him that they have achieved — and are still achieving — in me.
This type of joy goes much deeper than fleeting happiness. It is the unshakeable assurance that whatever the difficulty, I have an all-powerful Father who is there. Working for my ultimate good. Even when I don’t understand His ways.
He remains sweet and loving.
Willing to reveal Himself to me in a deeply personal way in the midst of my trouble.
And it is there that I can find joy.
How have you experienced joy in the middle of grief or suffering?
This post is part of our eight-week series, “Spirited Mom: A Fruity Look at Mothering.” We’re focusing on a different Fruit of the Spirit each week, as it applies to mothering.
33 Comments
Your words brought tears to my eyes and joy to my heart, all at the same time. Tears, because of what you and yours have been through and how you were able to convey those feelings through your writing. Joy, because I am so impressed with how spiritually mature you are. God is so good to have sent that wonderful nurse to speak words of comfort to you during a very dark moment. I’m so thankful that God never leaves us or forsakes us!
{Melinda} Alli, somehow I missed your comment. What an encouragement and blessing it was to me. And I’m having a day where I could really use that. 🙂 Yes, God is good. Even when I can’t see Him, He is still working. But I love those moments where He shows up and gives us a Divine hug. 🙂
Oh, my. I don’t know if there is anything so powerful as God working through other folks to help us through those difficult times. To have that nurse just come in and speak to you as she did and pray with you? Priceless, absolutely priceless. Thanks so much for sharing your story.
{Melinda} Yes, Kim, that is what was so cool and special about it! 🙂 We had only exchanged a few words prior to that … she had been busy getting him admitted. She didn’t know anything about me or my beliefs. Later, I asked her about that and she said, “I just knew.” That’s the power and the insight of the Holy Spirit.
Wow, Melinda. Thank you for sharing your story. My best friend in high school had CF. Such a tough, tough disease. I hated watching her struggle to do something we can do without effort…Anyway, thank you for sharing. Praying for your family.
{Melinda} Thank you so much for prayers, Lindsey. How is your high school friend doing? Micah has done very well … we have bumps in the road. But he just played a baseball tournament this weekend and is a pretty active kid. What people often don’t understand is how much goes into keeping him healthy and able to do all those things. He is so good about keeping up with his therapy and medication routines.
Such a great post. I also feel that it shows a mature relationship with God to have joy despite how bad things are in our lives. I’ve been through several forms of living hell, but I have maintained the faith that God has a greater plan.
{Melinda} It is hard to stay in that place, isn’t it? It is a constant drawing on the Holy Spirit to help us see beyond our circumstances.
I’ve never experience joy in the midst of grief, but I do know God has brought me through some grief that I would not have came trough alone.
{Melinda} Yes, I am so glad that He does not leave us alone as we walk through painful times, Dee Dee.
Your writing is so powerful! I’ve watched God work powerfully in my life to build compassion, perseverance and strength …this is so true! Thank you for sharing your story.
{Melinda} Thank YOU for your kind words, Michelle. 🙂 I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t know that God could bring positive things out of our pain.
I know that exact moment you are talking about with the duckie sticker. My children were all born early, but my daughter was the earliest, born at 35 weeks gestation. The night before she was born, after failed attempts to get my contractions to stop (they were about an hour apart, but steady), I was in the shower weaping, knowing she’d be born too early. I’d experienced the NICU before with my middle child, and had no desire to do it again. I was afraid, I was pleading with God to make it all go away…to give me just a few more weeks so that I didn’t have to face the NICU again.
He didn’t answer that prayer, BUT He gave me something greater. In the midst of my tears, He whispered to my heart, “She will be born tomorrow, she will be in the NICU…and she will be ok. I love her more than you do. Trust Me.” I can’t explain it, but in that moment, the tears stopped, the peace came and I was able to rest and be joyful in God that He had it all under control.
She was indeed born that next day, and she spent about a week in the NICU, but she had no lung issues, only a slow feeding issue. She was in great shape, and the nurses and doctors all commented on how well I was doing with it all. They knew I’d gone through it before, but what they couldn’t understand was the peace and joy of God that carried me through, as well as all the prayers of loved ones. God used that in such a mighty way, I can’t even explain it.
But my duckie sticker moment came when I saw the blanket they chose to use for my daughter in the NICU – the one made by loving hands by total strangers that the staff thought suited her perfectly. It was yellow with butterflies…and fit the theme I’d chosen for her nursery. It made me almost laugh and cry at the same time. It was just the icing on the cake; the last proof that God was there…and it would all be more than ok. What an amazing God we serve!
{Melinda} Julie, thank you for sharing your story. I find that it strengthens my faith to hear how God has personally shown up in a real and tangible way in others lives. That is why I like blogging so much. It gives me an opportunity to share what God has done, and at the same time be able to hear testimonies like yours. Love it that we have a God who is so personal and attentive to detail. I am so glad that you and your girl came through that time and are doing well. <3
Me, too! Not only did it strengthen my faith, but my boys’ and hubby’s faith, too…Not to mention all the people who prayed for us, as well. God is amazing! <3
When my sister died a very avoidable death, I couldn’t shake off the pain or guilt. I felt like I didn’t do all I should have done and the thought almost dried me up. But God came to me as I saturated the atmosphere with worship, and in the midst of the pain, I got my Joy back.
I will keep Micah in my prayers Melinda, God’s love is never failing.
{Melinda} I am so sorry about your sister. God is so good to give us just what we need. Thank you so much for your prayers for Micah. So appreciated. He is doing well, but it is a day-by-day walk of dependence on His provision. Which is just where I think He wants us to be. 🙂
I think that the joy in suffering happens because we are so open and seeking His guidance and Grace! We need Him to get through those truly difficult and tragic moments…that He can transform into something beautiful!
{Melinda} I agree, Michelle! When we’re in pain, we’re desperate for God. And we’re much more in tune to His activity. Great point. 🙂
Ah… soaking in your beautiful story and all those Divine moments in our struggles, where He finds us. Beautiful Melinda! Powerful. One of my favorites from you…
{Melinda} Thank you, Chris … Those words from you means so much to me. <3
This is powerful, a beautiful reminder that our Father is present always even in our darkest of darkest times. I really believe that most nurses are angels. Thank you for sharing this with us.
{Melinda} I agree, I have had a few bad experiences, but overall the nurses I deal with are amazing. Thank you so much for your sweet comment, Nellie. 🙂
*wiping my tears away* beautiful post and how our faith can be a truly powerful and wonderful thing.
{Melinda} Thank you, Karen. Yes, my faith is what sustains me. I am so grateful for a God who is always there. 🙂
Thank you for this. I needed these words today very much.
{Melinda} Karlyle, I am so glad used this to minister to your heart today. <3
Wow. That was pretty powerful. Thank you for sharing such a painful story and reminding us of the joy that can be found through pain. I also lost my mom to cancer when I was only 17 and I couldn’t find joy for a long time…but it was there, waiting for me when I was ready. And now I find joy (and my mom’s spirit) everyday when I look at my twin boys…and when I look in the mirror. I’ve definitely become my mother and I couldn’t be more proud.
Thanks again for sharing!
{Melinda} I am so sorry you lost your mom, and at such a young age. I was 33. I am so sorry she hasn’t been here to watch my kids grow up. I’m sure you feel the same way. And yet we both have qualities of our moms that keep her memory alive. So glad you stopped by. 🙂