From the time she was just a little girl, taking her to the store was dangerous.
As I pushed the cart through the aisles, a tiny little finger would point to item after item as she simply declared, “I want that!”
This same child — my firstborn — would often start asking for Christmas and birthday (both in December) presents in the middle of July. Over the years, she’d argue that holidays like St. Patrick’s Day — and even her brother’s birthday! — were occasions that required gifts — for her.
Now before you label my daughter a greedy brat, just know that she has also always been an enthusiastic gift giver. When she was little, she could hardly wait to give me the creations she made in class. When she was old enough, she’d save her allowance and shop with the utmost thought and care for just the right present for each family member. She loves to give to causes and charities.
One year, for Mother’s Day, she gave me several month’s worth of allowance to pay for my meal at my favorite restaurant.
Now, at 16 years old, not much has changed. Just the other day, she said, “We have to go shopping, Mom. When we’re not fighting about how much to spend, we really bond on those trips!”
It took me a long time — too long — to realize that shopping with Molly — the gifts I gave her — was about much more than the latest toy or fashion trend.
When Molly says, “I want that!” what she really means is, “I want your love!” Gifts are Molly’s love language. She’s not trying to drive me to the poor house. She’s trying to find out how rich my love is.
And if a cute pair of jeans are involved, well, so much the better.
It transformed the way I thought about shopping for her. I realized giving small gifts (even her favorite Reeses candy) communicated “love.” It didn’t have to involve a shopping spree or daily trips to the mall. Small, consistent gifts (with an occasional spree thrown in) helps keep her love tank from hitting “Empty.”
In Gary Chapmans’s book, The 5 Love Languages of Children,” he describes the five most common “languages” that speak love to our kids (and, by the way, to adults also): Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch. I highly recommend the book. Here’s a quiz you can take with your child to assess which “language” speaks to him or her.
Over the years, I’ve learned a few things that have helped me bond with my kids:
Pick up on the cues. My daughter sometimes says, “We haven’t gone shopping in a long time.” Or, my son (whose love language is Physical Touch) will say, “You haven’t given me a hug today.” Those are my cues that they need a confirmation of my love.
Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to act. Proverbs 3:27
Speak their language appropriately. My daughter and I went through a rocky time during middle school. I just couldn’t seem to reach her. I didn’t know how to fix our problems. So I took her shopping — alot. It seemed to be the only time we could connect. That’s not all bad. But, at some point, I realized we couldn’t simply shop our way to a healthy relationship. We had to do some hard work outside of the mall — which included included painful decisions, boundaries and conversations. That’s what love required. And, it was so worth it.
“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8
Don’t make excuses. If your child’s love language is Physical Touch, start hugging — even if you’re not the “huggy” type. As all moms know, showing love isn’t always easy or natural for us. It often takes effort.
Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them … Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Romans 12:9-10
I will never love my children perfectly. Only their Heavenly Father can do that. But as long as He’s entrusted them to my care, I will ask Him to help me love them well.
Even if a credit card is involved.
This post is part of our eight-week series, “Spirited Mom: A Fruity Look at Mothering.” We’re focusing on a different Fruit of the Spirit each week, as it applies to mothering.
18 Comments
How funny is that? Our families are very much alike. My boys like hugs, my daughter craves the shopping trips. I never thought of it like this!! Eye opening!!
{Melinda} It took me a while to get it, Michelle … For the longest time, I just thought Molly was never satisfied. When I realized how she interpreted gifts as love, it changed everything.
Ditto that, Melinda. My youngest and I battled from when she was a little girl. I actually think she is related to your daughter. 🙂
Shopping? Fashion? Oh, yes.
When we finally found Love Languages a few short years ago, it changed everything. I realized that my youngest thrived on Quality Time. That meant I couldn’t be doing ANYTHING ELSE when we were chatting. Not surfing, not having the tv on. NOTHING. It made a world of difference, and our chats became great together time, as opposed to devolving into fights.
I have GOT to read this book!! This is the third time in the past month someone has mentioned it to me. I need to get in on this because it sounds awesome.
I know that when my daughter and I go out and are debating if that bath towel is the right shade of pink to match her shower curtain (happened tonight) we just feel close. We’re the only girls in the family and we’re just doing our girly thing. We feel understood. It’s just fun and it does bring us closer!! It really does!! –Lisa
It’s been one of the best resources I have ever had in my life…there is one for adults too. I can’t tell you how many times this has impacted peoples life and marriage and kids, Lisa! I tell people about these love languages ALL the time…
MUST. GET. both books!!! They are pretty cheap at this point… and pretty much everywhere.
It is amazing how it knowing your husband’s love language can make a huge difference!! My love language is “words” and Derek leaves me notes every day…also buys me amazing cards and writes me (will TONS of effort poor guy!) poems for anniversaries etc.
The love languages make SO much sense! Wish we lived closer so I can “run it over to you”!!! I have bought this book for SO many people through the years!! 🙂
{Melinda} It’s a book that’s been around for years … it’s an oldie, but a goodie. 🙂 Yes, the boys just don’t get bath towel shade debates, do they?!
I am the first born and Molly and I are just alike. So much that my mother contemplated changing my name to Anita. She said I could have all of my needs and most of my wants, so I started saying “Mother, I NEEEEDDDD this and I NEEEEDDDD that! Thus the name Anita 🙂
That is my love language too:) Seriously, I love the post and the book! It is excellent in learning how to love someone the way they need to be loved!
{Melinda} Anita! Oh my goodness, that make me smile! 🙂 So funny. Molly Anita … I think my daughter has a new middle name! 🙂
Just the time and effort it takes to learn someone’s love language spells love.
Thanks so much for stopping by, Joi. <3
Oh this is sooo good, Melinda! My 10 year old daughter is the exact same. She need her shopping time with me. I love it because I learn so much about who she is and what is happening in her life. She feels loved and I feel connected. It’s a win-win. Thanks for permission to spend that kind of time with our girls!
{Melinda} Thanks, Carey! Yes, it’s not just about the act of giving … it’s the time spent together as we’re shopping. When they’re happy (ie. spending our money :)), they always seem more willing to open up!
This reminds me so much of my twin sister. She is a details gal. For pretty much any holiday and all birthdays there’s a card and decorations and special foods, etc. She is huge on taking time out of your day to point out that this day is different and special and should be celebrated. I am not as grand as she is (I’m ok with making the kids their favorite meal and doing a small celebration at home without all the hooplah), and it’s hard for me to remember that she needs the details. Oddly, she doesn’t need it to be grand so much as she needs it to be personal and thought of for her from you and you must pick it out yourself…Not have someone pick it out for you (i.e. just telling the florist you want a random bouquet – pick out one just for her). Now if you go the extra mile and decorate, she’s on top of the world. 🙂
The other thing that makes her feel loved and needed and giving of love is to have her help decorate something. I asked her to help me a few times decorate for holidays or help rearrange rooms or clean them with me and she was on top of the world. It took a bit of stepping back on my part and trusting her to do a good job (she always does) that may not be exactly my taste but will be beautiful, and it is definitely worth it. 🙂
I am beginning to learn the love languages of my kids better, and the language of my hubby better. He needs to be the leader to feel loved. My oldest needs to spend time (he likes game/movie night) or like he has your full attention when he shares (one-on-one time is golden to him) and he loves to help. My middle kid likes to do some physical activities together more than the game/movie time, but he’ll do either. My little girl is all about snuggles and playing with her or helping me out or singing the same song for the millionth time today! 🙂 I don’t have it just right all of the time, but I’m learning and picking up on the cues (hopefully better each day). 🙂
Anyway, great post and great reminders!
{Melinda} Yes, Molly is like your sister — it’s not just about the gift. It’s about the time and thought you put into it. That’s what speaks to her heart. 🙂
Oh, and I don’t always pick up all the cues, either, Julie… we moms have a lot on our minds. But you have a heart to love well. And kids instinctively sense that. You are a good mama. 🙂
Always love your very encouraging comments and getting to know more about you.
So glad I encourage your heart, Melinda! You encourage mine as well. Thanks for the kind words! Enjoying getting to know you better, too!
This is a great post. We all do accept love in different ways.I’ve read other 5 Love Language types of books throughout the years too. My mom got her hands on one when I was a teenager too, and it helped our relationship some.
They are wonderful resources for every person to have in their libraries.
Thanks for sharing.
{Melinda} You are so welcome, Crystal. I’ve heard about the Love Languages for years, but didn’t really tune in the way I should have until the last few years. I think I was instinctively giving them their love language based on what they seemed to respond to. But now, I’m much more deliberate and tuned in. We live and we learn. 🙂
SUPER AWESOME POST I so checked out the list…while I didn’t ask Dino, I do know what he likes HE LOVES when I spend time with him playing games, racing, running, walking and LOVES words of affirmation more than hugs.
I think that is such a wonderful thing you realized about your daughter and totally makes sense. They just want to know they are loved, always and forever.
{Melinda}You are so right … communicating love for who they are — even when we don’t always like what they do — is so key! You do such a great job with your little man — that is so obvious through the photos of your sweet, happy boy. 🙂