Is it a chore to get your children to do chores?
Mama, I feel your pain.
I realized that I’d really blown it when I began to have this response when I’d ask one of my children to do a household task: “What did I do? Am I in trouble? Why are you punishing me?”
No, kiddos. You’re not in trouble, but I’m knee-deep in it – drowning in a never-ending sea of laundry, dishes and clutter. And there was something just very wrong about that when I had two capable, if reluctant, helpers in my household. So, a few years ago, I was determined to assert my role in the household hierarchy and start doing a better job of training my crew to live outside the Means Spa & Resort.
I was inspired by a sign I have hanging in my kitchen: “Ask not what your mother can do for you, but what you can do for your mother!” Can I hear an ‘Amen’?!
I obviously can’t give you a slew of great advice about how I did it all right with my kids. But I can explain a couple of key mistakes I’ve made and share with you how I’ve tried to reverse course.
1. Mistake: I started too late. I needed to start enlisting my children’s help from the time they were toddlers. In one of my favorite books, A Woman After God’s Own Heart, author Elizabeth George gives some great tips for creating what I call “A Culture of Cooperation” in your home.
From the time her kids were toddlers, she was training them on how to dump laundry soap in the washer, turn the machine on and help put the clothes in the dryer. At very young ages, kids can also wield a dust cloth and tidy their rooms. Elizabeth suggests writing two sets of 3×5 cards – one for you and one for your children. Then you could do the chores together. They feel like they’re part of the family team and at the same time you’re teaching them how to do the tasks correctly.
Be aware! At young ages, children aren’t really “help.” It will often actually take us longer to finish tasks with our “helper” tagging along. To be honest, THIS is why I gave up on having my kids help when they were younger. We are instilling a work ethic and one day, when we’ve trained them well, they will do tasks well and not consider them some form of torture (ahem….)
Remedy: Well, I couldn’t turn back the clock. And I couldn’t expect that I can make up for lost time overnight. So I took baby steps. Instead of instituting some elaborate chore chart (that I couldn’t keep up with – more on that below), I started by asking my kids to do little things around the house. “Micah, can you take these milk cartons to the recycling bin?” “Molly, no, I’m not making your mac n’cheese. You can do that yourself.” Everyone rinses off their own dishes and loads them in the dishwasher. You have to start somewhere. Start small. The more you do this, the less resistance you’ll encounter.
2. Mistake: I was inconsistent. I’d get all hot on a new, elaborate chore chart system and then two weeks later, it was all but abandoned. Maybe some moms can keep up with it, but this one can’t. I need simplicity.
Remedy: One thing I DID do that worked for my kids when they were younger was to make an “Afterschool List.” I laminated it and tacked it on the wall by their door. I hung a dry erase pen next to it, so they could check things off as they completed tasks. The list looked something like this: Put lunchbox on counter, tidy room (pick up dirty clothes, etc.), do homework, put away folded laundry, and set the table (on certain nights.) Once their checklist was done, they were free to do what they liked (TV, computer).
Now that they are older, a list isn’t really necessary. They know the drill. They’re now teenagers with busy sports, school and social schedules. At this age, I’ve found that a great method to get them to help out is to tie their chores to a privilege. If Molly asks me if she can go to a friend’s house on Friday night, I say, “Sure! But not until you’ve vacuumed the family room and put away laundry.” Teens tend to suddenly be extremely motivated to get the job done because they want to go have fun.
If you’re like me and have gotten off to a late start, turning things around can be a chore at first.
But with some creativity and perseverence, it’s possible to develop methods — and children — that work.
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24 Comments
I really like your blog post, because I have read many blogs regarding this info but you explain all the information very well. Thanks
I really like your blog post, because I have read many blogs regarding this info but you explain all the information very well. Thanks
I did well when they were toddlers and somewhere between divorce & moving I lost that hierarchy and now they are teens gone rogue, lol. Now I am tying chores to privileges and wasn’t sure if I was some weirdo causing more damage but I see I am not alone in this thinking and that makes all the difference in the world right now.
Great post! I didn’t start late, but I’ve been incredibly inconsistent. My daughter is a teenager now and none of those after school tasks are instinctual for her. She does have ADD, so maybe I need to go ahead with a checklist. Thanks for sharing!
There was a time, many summers ago, when I had a great chore system. Each child had a chore or two each day. They couldn’t do anything else until it was done. After a while they were doing it on their own without prompting. Then I got sick for a very long time. And everything fell apart. I’ve never gotten back to that happy place again. Now, I am happy if the general living areas are kept picked up. Their rooms are their domain. As long as I can shut the door, and when I open it am not knocked out by the smell, they can keep their rooms however they want.
At this point, I’m just trying to make sure they know how to do the chores and know what it feels like to live in clean instead of dirty. I’m hoping when they’re on their own they will choose clean.
Oh, being a mom can be so complicated.
Thanks for your thoughts and ideas. I’ve been feeling like it’s time to kick a few pants in this area. With summer coming up, it’s the perfect time.
Happy Sharefest.
This is exactly what has happened to me. I was never good at chores as a kid. So now it’s work trying to get my kids to help. Great book mention by the way. I love Elizabeth George.
My kids are still little (baby, 3 and 5) and we have been trying to do this. I definitely need to be more consistent though! It definitely makes my life a million times easier.
I always tell them that when they make more messes and don’t help clean them up that it’s more work for mommy to do…which means less time to play and have fun with them 🙂 It’s been working 🙂
{Melinda} Sarah, that’s a great way to approach it at that age! Would work on my teenagers 🙂 , but when they’re younger that would be great motivation for children.
Ah… that is one of my FAVORITE authors and book!! I have read it twice!!! Love this post. I have made some of the same mistakes you have for the very same reasons Melinda!! I am working on instilling more responsibilities with my kids with additional chores that are not your “every day put lunchboxes on the counter, hang up coats and clear plates” stuff. But they are now taking out the garbage once a week and swiffering the floors etc. They are part of the Carter family, and this role includes some work to keep our home organized and clean, Not to mention, I want to teach my kids to have a good work ethic! Perfect timing this post it to me!
{Melinda} That book changed a lot of my views on motherhood and helped launch my break from the bondage of people pleasing! You are so wise to keep at this, Chris. It will pay off!
Great tips. What do you think the ideal age is to start chores? I feel like we are still trying to find a system that works for our family. And I know I sometimes cave so we can just get it done. Hopefully all 3 kids will eventually get they need to help around the house – it’s just part of what we all need to do as members of the family.
{Melinda} Kerry, I think the younger you start, the better. Even toddlers, at 2 or 3, can help mommy put the clothes in the washer and pour detergent in. They can help put their toys away and put laundry in their drawers. All those tasks will need a lot of supervision and patience, but I think the earlier we start, the more “helping” just becomes part of the way the family does things. It also teaches them skills that they will use and develop throughout childhood. And, as moms, it makes our lives much less stressful to have some help around the house! 🙂
Well we certainly need help with this here. Your last comment was key…its amazing the help I get if they want to do something fun, or feel like they are going to be embarrassed by someone coming over. My daughter vacuumed and mopped and put away all her stuff that was out all over the place once because she had friends coming over!
{Melinda} My daughter is extremely social and energetic. I use this to my advantage! 🙂
I’m so with you on that!! Gotta take advantage of those opportunities!!
I think the consistency thing is key. Even if you start late, if you keep at it they will learn.
{Melinda} Yes, consistency!! You are so right. It’s harder to get them to come around and it takes longer, but they really do fall in line with this if you stick with it.
I started late having my daughter do chores, and have been inconsistent as well. But I have been making progress the last few weeks by assigning the dishes to her, and having her do some other light cleaning.
Great tips!
{Melinda} Thanks, Tracie! Sounds like you are definitely headed in the right direction!
Love this so much. Just emailed it to myself so I can read it again later. I am so totally inconsistent it is ridiculous. And it shows…my children do not enjoy helping out around our home. I have been trying lately to have them do small things so that they will realize our home does not run on its own…and doing that beats the yelling and threatening to go on strike! ;)-Ashley
{Melinda} I’ve found that giving them consistently small jobs is key, Ashley. They resist big time if you give them an overwhelming task list all at once.
You’ve been peeking in my draft folder. Again. 🙂
I’m struggling with re-establishing chores and routines after a 2 year long hiatus for a remodel. It’s awful! I don’t have it solved, but the one thing I know is that during the “training time” where kids are getting used to the idea of chores things aren’t going to be perfect. I’m having to tolerate a LOT of mess as they learn how to do their chores.
{Melinda} Whew. It’s so hard to reestablish patterns, isn’t it?! But even imperfect is better than having to do everything yourself — better for you and better for them. I have to remind myself of that all the time!