It’s happening – again.
When I slammed closed my Algebra II textbook for the last time nearly a quarter century ago, I vowed never to put myself in any situation in life where I’d be required to determine the value of ‘x’ or ‘y’ or any letter of the alphabet, for that matter.
In fact, what made Algebra so eternally frustrating for me as a teenager was that it was hard to imagine the insane reasons such situations even existed.
Here’s an equation for ya: Algebra(Life) = Pointless x 2.
Yet, useless as it seemed then, Algebra wielded a great deal of power over my life. Aside from the countless hours it devoured that I can never recover, Algebra significantly narrowed my career path prospects. I ruthlessly eliminated consideration of any vocation that might require me to determine the value of an unknown variable.
And I’m thrilled to report that over the past 25 years, I have been wildly successful in avoiding all things equation-related.
Until my daughter starting bringing home homework with familiar, yet terrifying, terms like “quadrilateral” and “algebraic fraction” and “simple equation” (an oxymoron if I ever heard one). Like the villain that just won’t die at the end of the horror movie, Algebra came back to terrorize me.
And I believe my math misery multiplies exponentially whenever Molly and I sit trying to make sense of it all. After a few problems I am frustrated squared.
A typical math conversation — this one involving an assignment of graphing algebraic equations:
Molly: It’s supposed to be a dinosaur when I’m done.
Me: Seriously?
Molly: Seriously. Please tell me, when in life, Mom, will I be required to graph a dinosaur?
Girl after my own heart.
But I’ve been explaining to Molly that sometimes in life you just have to “Do the Math.” You may not understand it or like it, but you have to do it in order to reach your ultimate goal. And there just might be something important to be gained in the process.
My natural inclination as a parent is to rescue my kids from pain and frustration. To make things easy, happy and pleasant for them. Because I love them.
But, if I’m honest, it’s not all about them. I sometimes want to save them from failure and give in to their demands for freedom or escape from hard work for other, more self-serving reasons. It protects my image and/or helps me avoid conflict and disappointing them (both of which I hate) which makes me feel better – for the moment. But it only postpones the pain and battles – for them and me – to another day.
Ouch. I don’t like to admit that about myself.
As parents, we can’t focus on our own comfort level – or our children’s. As a neighbor, who is raising three teens of his own, recently reminded me, our efforts should center on “the end result … We’re working toward the end result.”
I’m grateful I have a Teacher who knows all the variables and equations of life and parenting far better than I do. And Who has the power to weave everything – even Algebra – together for their good.
I used to wander off until you disciplined me; but now I closely follow your word. Psalm 119:67 (NLT)
16 Comments
I love to see parents helping children walk through steps of solving a problem rather than just doing it for them. I think this is such a good topic from this extreme and from the extreme of not helping them at all. I mentor girls in a Youth Detention Center and they get to select topics for us to present to them and EVERY year, Coping Skills (might be worded differently each time) comes up.
{Melinda} That is really sad, Joi. Yes, either extreme is not good or productive or empowering for our children. Educating and giving them tools and then letting them walk it out and make their own mistakes is really important.
So true! This was just so spot on. Sometimes we are required to do things (or experience things) that don’t make sense to us. We don’t always see the big picture, but we trust that it is there. Love it. –Lisa
{Melinda} I think kids especially have a hard time seeing the big picture. They are so “in the moment” and short-term gratification thinkers. As parents, we have to be guided by the big picture as we guide them.
Great lesson! Thanks for sharing it with us.
While I was good at algebra in high school, I’ve pretty much forgotten all of it now. When my oldest was having troubles with it, I remember saying, “Give me your book. I’m going to need to remember how to do all this.” That doesn’t work anymore. They often don’t have a book anymore, just assignments online. Thank heavens my older kids are still living at home. They’re pretty much raising their siblings in the homework department. I guess that’s a fair trade for free rent.
I was reminded as I read you post of one of my favorite parenting quotes. “Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.” We can’t clear all the rocks and branches out of the way for them, but we can teach them to be strong and move them themselves or think of ways around them. It pays to let our kids struggle sometimes. And to not let our issues interfere with their lives, as you said.
{Melinda} I love that quote, Robin. A lot of wisdom in that. I agree about the Algebra .. that was my struggle. We at least had textbooks with example problems. But that doesn’t exist anymore. I pay a tutor now. It’s worth every cent.
There is absolutely no way I could help my kids with their math! Seriously though, I’d much rather my kids learn to cope and deal with things on their own now rather than later…even though there are many times I’d like to step in “fix” the situation. But most of time I try to stay out of it. Hopefully it will give them the confidence they need later on.
{Melinda} Good for you, Michelle! Your kids will definitely benefit. I spent too many years enabling when they were younger and they are paying the price. I’ve turned things around, but old habits and patterns die hard. Luckily, they are still in my house so I have some more time to give them tools. 🙂
Boy, oh boy did this come at exactly the right moment. I am currently fighing Nico’s gym teacher because he won’t let Nico go to the bathroom. Nico has a permanent pass and yet this teacher makes it difficult for him to go and it is GYM! Nico emails me all day long letting me know how his day is going and it is driving me insane. I feel like I am too involved. How is he ever going to manage on his own when I am not around to fight his battles? And I know where it comes from. The fear that he will struggle with ANYTHING because of CF. I tried letting Belle learn from her own mistake of procrastinating doing her book report but Leo swept in and was the hero helping her do it until midnight last night. I struggle with this issue SO much. I needed to read this. Thank you.
{Melinda} AnnMarie, this is a battle for me, too. I have to hold myself back from rescuing all the time. Some days I do better than others. Right now, Micah is late for school so much because he is trying to get his treatments in in the morning. I understand the struggle. But I can’t let him off the hook because this is his life. CF isn’t going anywhere. I have to hold him accountable for being late, even though my heart wants to give him a pass. Sigh. Praying for you, friend.
Sad true story: My dear friend’s teenage daughter tried to kill herself… why? Because her precious mom always saved her and this poor girl never learned any coping skills because of it. I am reminded of this story and such a critical piece of parenting- letting go and allowing our kids to develop valuable coping skills…for life. Or they won’t know how to live. End result.
{Melinda} Wow. Yes, protecting our children from everything can have such a heavy price. I see kids who have become adults, but are unable to deal with life or be self-sufficient and that is very motivating to me to not enable my kids. That’s a tough battle for a recovering people pleaser. 🙂
Hate to admit it, but I actually LIKE Algebra! LOL (I minored in Math in college – don’t hate! 😀 ) That aside, I do totally agree with this post – we DO like to protect our children from pain and frutstration, but in the process, we are actually not only prolonging the inevitable but hurting them even more. What a tangled web we weave, huh?
Sometimes (and yes, I’m going to use Math logic), God’s solution for X does not match ours – but He has the answer key; His answer is not only right, it’s perfect. We don’t have to agree or like it, but we have to trust it. We have to trust that a Holy, Good God wants what’s best for us, our children, our friends even more than we do! We have to let Him solve the problem, accept His solution…and know that He will make something beautiful and useful out of it all.
As your neighbor said, it’s the ending we’re working towards. Sometimes you gotta work through a complex algebraic-type life problem to find the answer for Y…but once you get there, you realize God knew what He was doing, and you don’t regret a moment and the solution is perfect! 🙂 And you didn’t think Algebra was useful. 😉 😀
{Melinda} Oh no, Julie, you’re a math geek! 🙂 I was completely confounded by people who made math look easy — it is a gift! Love your math analogies at the end … so, so true. He knows what we need, even when we can’t see it!
LOL Yes, yes I am! 🙂 I’m glad you liked (and got) my math analogies. 🙂 I thought them very appropriate to the subject at hand. 🙂 I’m just so glad that He knows the end, don’t you? 🙂
Ohh. I am not a math fan either. But hubby teaches math at a community college. He would tell you that the only solid predictor of income is math education. Specifically, the completion of Calculus. He would also say that students who study math are better thinkers and less likely to get Alzheimer’s. I’m an English person though. And the delaying of the pain…I’ve been thinking about this lately and it is hard.