It was a seemingly simple question.
As the home’s resident sports fanatic, my husband is in charge of all things athletic in our family. So when Molly needed new soccer cleats, Mike asked her if she wanted to go with him to pick out a new pair.
Molly (with a deep, dramatic sigh): “Do I have to?”
Dad: No, you don’t have to, but I thought you might want to.
Molly: Okay, but do we have to go now?
Dad: No, but we have to go soon so we can be back in time for dinner.
Ten minutes pass.
Dad: I’m leaving. Are you coming?
No response.
Dad: Molly?
Molly: I’m right in the middle of something. I’ll be there in a little bit.
Dad rolls his eyes and leaves.
Me: Molly, you know that wasn’t really about soccer cleats, right?
Molly: Huh? What are you talking about?
Me: Your dad just wanted to spend some time with you. The soccer cleats were just a way to do it.
Molly: Oh, well, I didn’t know that. Why didn’t he just say that he wanted to spend time with me?
Sigh. Such is the dance between dads and their tween and teenager daughters.
Learning how to relate to Dad even as she’s learning to assert her own independence is an important skill that will help her build healthy future relationships with boyfriends, husbands, employers, friends and teachers. Most importantly, a good connection with Dad also helps her establish a healthy view of and relationship with her Heavenly Father.
Kathy and I were discussing this topic and decided that we need to be deliberate about teaching our daughters three things about men that will save them years of headaches, heartaches and hours in the therapist’s office:
1. Listen. Men want to be heard, noticed and appreciated. A little bit of understanding goes a long way.
2. Respect. Most men crave respect more than anything else. It makes them feel valued and honored.
3. Show interest in what interests them. Occasionally, Molly will join my husband in watching some sporting event. He becomes downright giddy.
All those things empower men, but they give women power, too. There’s not a whole lot a man won’t do for a woman who genuinely makes him feel honored and appreciated. No nagging, whining or manipulating necessary.
Heck, he may just take you shoe shopping — even when it’s not soccer season.
What are some things you think are important to teach our daughters about men?
14 Comments
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Great post! I have 3 daughters who have a biological dad and a step-dad. For them, I’d like them to learn that it’s okay to have all kinds of love in their lives–from a dad AND step-dad, they do not need to choose in order to please or take care of another’s needs. In general, I’d like them to learn that self-worth comes from inside–not from a man, not from possessions, not from a career. Oh, and I would also like them to learn that a person’s actions speak so much louder than words ever can. Pay attention to your instincts. Too many times, in love, women push down these little inklings, in order to keep the peace or shift the focus off what is actually happening because change or confrontation could be threatening.
Great post! We haven’t gotten to quite that stage yet because my daughter is just 9, but I know it’s coming. Excellent advice!
{Melinda} Thanks …. it seems like it started at about age 11, so you’re close! 🙂
{Melinda} So much wisdom there, Julie! THAT should have been a blog post! Kathy and I keep saying that you need to write another blog that is all about spiritual/relationship insights. You are so wise!
Love the example about your husband and finances. You are so right. A man doesn’t want you to be his mother. He already has one of those.
Doing a great study of marriage right now called Enhancing Your Marriage by Judy Rossi. Highly recommend. 🙂
Great points to teach our girls about men and how to relate to them. I always have to nudge my hubs in the direction that speaks to my daughter, but never thought about how I need to help my daughter connect with her dad. Thank you!
{Melinda} You are welcome, Chris! Yes, they both need to be taught to understand each other’s way of communicating — and “Mom” can often help gently facilitate (not FORCE — I’ve tried that! 🙂
Oh such important teaching points. Right now my 5 yo is a Daddy’s girl. She wants to marry him when she grows up. I pray that their relationship remains close as she gets older. I guess I better brace myself as those teen years approach. Thanks for this post. Moms like me can definitely learn from moms like you.
{Melinda} Hope, it’s often pretty effortless until they hit about 11 or 12 and suddenly everything seems to change. My daughter is 16 now and she and her dad communicate so much better now than when she was 13 or 14. Maturity helps alot, but educating them about men really does help, too.
So glad you stopped by!
This is a great post. I have the opposite problem here. My tween daughter seeks out my husband’s attenion and comes up short because she has two older brother’s that monopolize his attention. We are having many big talks about boys over here and the biggest lesson I want her to learn is to not look to a boy to determine your self worth. That if you like a boy and he doesn’t like you back, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. It just means he’s not the right one for you.
{Melinda} It’s so hard, AnnMarie! Because we can gently guide them toward one another, but we can’t control anything! Aak! I do like control! 🙂 Love all you said about men not determining their self worth. I have tried very hard to drive that point home with my daughter. I think repetition is important. Hearing that message over and over again.
Our girls must be on the same team, because a similar thing just happened the other day here, too! We try to use the love languages mentality when it comes to anyone relating to anyone else in the family because respect for the other person is inherent in that mindset. Beyond that, I do the same thing you do, Melinda: translate. I speak both “husband” and “tween daughter” so I end up shedding light on murky moments. The really cool part is that they’re both starting to translate (out loud, which makes me smile) the actions and words on their own, and I’m catching them playing chess on a Saturday afternoon and laughing at night while hubby rubs her feet. There’s a beautiful dad-daughter relationship growing there, and I’m having to grow with it since I didn’t grow up with a dad at home during that age in my own life. It’s spreading the love in all kinds of directions!
{Melinda} That description of the interaction between your daughter and husband made me smile! Yes, translation helps. Alot. This incident happened when Molly was about 14. She’s 16 now and their relationship is so much better and sweeter now. Dad’s learned her language and Molly is growing up. Love it.
Good points! 🙂 I couldn’t agree more! A man wants to feel like, well…a man! Let him lead and take charge. Here’s an example: It was hard for me, because I am the better one with the financials, but I gave up the bill payments and keeping track of spending (I balance the checkbook, but that’s it) to my husband. Why? Because when I was in charge of it, though he made the bulk of the money, he was extra tough on me about spending and did not understand where the money went, etc. It also made him feel like I was being critical about money when I said we couldn’t afford it when I just knew the truth about our financial state. I was feeling more like his mother than his wife, and that was a huge problem.
When he took over, when he saw just where the money went, he realized just how good I was being with the money, how I’d planned out every cent and that’s why I got nervous when he would make “impulse” purchases (yes, guys do it, too) and I didn’t have to nag him about it anymore. We talked about our spending, and we decided that (in the end) it was his call on the bigger purchases because he was the head of the house. I went from being his mother, to being his wife again, and that was important. That decision, also, let him feel like he was the boss, and here’s the secret in that: men will go above and beyond out of a sense of duty before they will out of love. I know that sounds backwards to us women, but to them, doing your duty IS showing love. They will always take care of their own…if allowed to.
If you show your man proper respect, if you let him have authority (even if he doesn’t do it up to your standards all the time), if you let him lead, if you are submissive to him, then the love will follow. He will treat you like the most valued treasure in all the land…if he’s the right kind of man, and if you’re gonna marry him, you should know that ahead of time. 🙂 I hope that makes sense.
I just know, watch how he treats his mom and women in general – if he’s a jerk to her or treats women like they don’t matter, he’ll do the same to you eventually. Feel free to disagree with him and speak your mind, but watch that you are not trying to be his mother. You are his partner, his other half…be respectful and let him own the bulk of the decisions. Why? Because if he knows you’re depending on him, he’ll do that much better – trust me. 🙂
Also, someone has to be the first one to say, “I’m sorry” when things don’t go right, and there is always something you can admit to doing wrong. Like, even if he’s the one that went over the top about dinner being late, you can at least say you’re sorry for it being late, even if you couldn’t help it exactly. If you own up to your fault, even if it’s less, he’ll own up to his fault. Don’t let pride keep you from your happiness! It so isn’t worth it!
Hope that wasn’t too much rambling. LOL 🙂 I think you know what I mean, at least. 🙂