I thought it was the perfect project. It made so much sense to me — at the time.
I was a writer. I had a two-year-old daughter. How could I combine my fledgling writing career and motherhood?
Shazam!
Why don’t I write, edit and design a monthly, 32-page family magazine — nearly single-handedly — and then distribute 6,000 copies of it to my community? (In addition to several other high-maintenance writing clients I had at the time.)
I did have a partner who handled the publication’s advertising, printing and distribution. But can anyone say … crazy woman??
Then, just as the first issue of our brilliant brainchild was about to launch I got some very important news.
I was pregnant.
The thought never occurred to me that perhaps there might be a slightly better time to pursue my dream of rocking the writing world. And maybe, just maybe, I should have realized that perhaps I hadn’t cornered the market on mothering wisdom, considering I’d been on the job for a whopping two years.
But no.
I went to my partner, told her I was pregnant and then in all seriousness, said these words, “I just want you to know that I’m fully committed to our partnership and this family magazine. The new baby will not affect that commitment.”
Seriously?
I cringe when I think back to that time and my insistence on forging full speed ahead — without regard to the cost to my family and my own well-being.
It took a full year for me to absorb the insanity of it all.
Here I was telling families to put family first, while my own family was faltering under the stress and time commitment of producing a magazine for families.
Irony, anyone?
Looking back, it seems so clear. So what was driving my ill-fated quest?
Fear. I was afraid my dreams wouldn’t keep as I raised my children. That somehow, opportunities lost, would never surface again. It really was a lack of trust that God had the power to open the doors when the timing was right — for me and my family.
Impatience. Our society is all about instant gratification. Want something? Buy it. Pursue it. Do it. Waiting is so … old school. We have the right to be happy. Ironically, I was never more unhappy than when I was pursuing ventures at my family’s expense. Self-denial may not be popular, but it’s necessary at times for the health of our families. When the time is right, though, the realization of those long-awaited dreams is especially sweet.
People-pleasing. I didn’t want to disappoint my business partner. Her opinion of me at the time trumped even the needs of my own family — although I didn’t see it that way at the time.
Performance-based self worth. As a new mother, I had such a hard time answering the question, “What do you do?” Somehow, “simply” saying, “I’m a mom” made me feel inadequate. I felt more confident, more valuable if I could say, “I’m a magazine editor, or a writer, etc. — and a mom.” It took me years to appreciate that my worth was as a child of God and that the roles of “wife” and “mom” were the most important ones I’d fill.
Over the years, I’ve sometimes become frustrated and anxious as I’ve delayed the pursuit of my dreams.
But I eventually made peace with it.
Because dreams will always be there — ready to be chased.
My family, however, can’t wait.
26 Comments
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Hi Melinda! Thanks so much for dropping by and linking up! I think every woman, mother and wife has suffered through this syndrome! I can tell you one thing though, the decision to take care of your family first, pays off. Before you know it, your children will be grown and you’ll want to recapture the past. Unfortunately, for some women who decided to put careers first, look back and hate they missed those important years. I was working in retail management when our kids were toddlers. If you know anything about retail, the hours are crazy! Anyway, there would be some days I wouldn’t see my babies at all(my husband had them in bed by the time I got home). We decided the money wasn’t worth it, so I became a SAHM, that was 17 years ago and I haven’t looked back! Besides, I think “mommy” is such an awesome job! Kudos to you! have a blessed week my friend!
A great read this afternoon – thanks for sharing. Timing is everything (this I’ve learned with a two year old!) and dreams shift and change as good as the tide does. Have a great weekend, stopping over from SITS 🙂
{Melinda} Thank you so much for stopping by, Emily. It is so hard to see that you will actually have time to pursue dreams when your children are little. But I can tell you that now that mine are 13 and 16, that time really will come. 🙂
So much wisdom in this post. I can really relate. I love the quote, “Women can do it all. Just not all at the same time.” Have such a peace knowing that God’s timing for each season is perfect!
{Melinda} I agree, Jen. There are seasons that we have to respect. For me, it is a constant challenge to trust God that He knows what is right for me and when!
Fear…will hold us back, won’t it? We just have to work with it until it get sick of sticking around. Wonderful writing, visiting from SITS.
{Melinda} Fear is probably the biggest barrier in anything we pursue! Thanks so much for your kind words and for stopping by!
Visiting from Sharefest. I like your post but you are still pursuing your dreams in your own mind even if not in production. Giving up your dreams would mean you’ve decided to never go after them. Enjoy your life–your dreams are still there.
{Melinda} Absolutely, Sheila! I don’t think we should give up our dreams, but sometimes we have to delay them to a time that works better for our families and season of life. Our dreams will always be there in our hearts and minds!
Thanks so much for stopping by!
Oh what mother doesn’t struggle with all those things? This is awesome. I think every mom in some way goes through this entire process on some level, don’t you? Our worthiness is so fragile when it’s not placed in God’s view. We always need a purpose and a plan to empower our security and identity…and sometimes we lose site of it all in the pursuit of fulfillment somewhere else.
{Melinda} Absolutely, Chris. Having our worth rooted in performance always leads to trouble.
I feel like I could have written this if you substituted medical practice with magazine publication. Oh, yes!! That performance based self-worth thing was HARD for me to let go. I did, but it took some real doing initially. I can honestly say that I don’t regret my choices one bit. 🙂
{Melinda} I’ve never looked back either. I’ve seen my opportunities grow along with my family. But family always comes first.
So funny how we can lose our perspective so easily sometimes. Us moms are so hard on ourselves sometimes. Thanks for sharing your story. It’s a nice reminder to pay attention to what’s truly important.
{Melinda} Yes, it’s is so easy to lose sight of the big picture!
What a wonderful post. I relate to every part of it (except the 6,000 subscriber magazine!) and love how you’ve honestly hit on all the messages I tell or have told myself. Well done, mama!
{Melinda} Thank you, Mary! Your blog is one of my new favorite finds. I love it. 🙂
I admire your courage and honestly with this post. Putting dreams on hold for things that matter more is a hard thing to do.
Stopping by from SITS. Love your header, it’s so cute!
{Melinda} Thanks, Ashley. It was so hard to make those decisions at times, but I always felt peace afterwards. The cost to my family wasn’t worth it.
Thanks so much for stopping by … I will return the favor. 🙂
Oh my goodness!! I am identifying with you more that you know. Wow. You have hit it right on the head too. Everyone of those points you made in red were exactly what I was doing too. Unfortunately it took me longer than a year to wake up.
{Melinda} It took me longer than a year, too, Kari. I was already overwhelmed and overcommitted BEFORE I took on the magazine. The magazine plus the new baby were what God used to push me over the edge and get me to see life from a new perspective.
It was great to talk to you and Stephanie today on the phone. So excited for our adventure! 🙂
I’m struggling with this right now. I was asked to go to NYC for a once in a lifetime opportunity. We aren’t paying for anything. If it was for a meeting with a publisher to publish the blog or one of the books I have written, it would be a no-brainer but it’s not and yet, it is too good to pass up. It’s only for 2 days but it has been somewhat of a nightmare organizing us going. The hardest part for me is feeling like you’ve already waited for something to happen for so long that when it does come up, saying no that it’s not the right time is hard. How do you know when God puts something in your path not to take it? It reminds me of that flood story when the man was on the roof and passed up any help because he said God would take care of him and then it turned out that God had sent the help. What if it is like that? I might message you because this turned into a novel of a comment. Sorry about that. 🙂
{Melinda}AnnMarie, I usually instinctively knew if something wasn’t going to fit well with my family commitments. I would try to talk myself into it sometimes, but I just knew. Occasionally, I’d be uncertain, but not usually. I would always regret it when I would “talk myself into” certain projects — even if they were things I really wanted to do badly. I learned the hard way that the price was too high. God is a powerful, creative God who can merge the right opportunities at the right time. I’m seeing Him do it for me over the last year.
Melinda, you have no idea how this hits home to me and speaks VOLUMES. I struggled with this the first few years of The Boy’s life. Wanting to DO more, BE more, BE “somebody.” Forgetting all the while that I was already a very important “somebody” in His eyes and his eyes.
LOVE this piece!
{Melinda} Thank you, Michelle. I think a lot of moms struggle with this. I’m so glad that God got my attention and changed my perspective on this while my kids were still young.