It usually disappears at around 12.
That’s when Cinderella Mommy undergoes a transformation. Not at 12 midnight, but when our offspring reaches 12 years. That’s the typical shelf life of Mommy Magic.
Until tweendom arrives, mommies are sprinkled with fairy dust — idolized by our little munchkins and looked up to as an overflowing fount of knowledge, wonder and wisdom.
Then, without warning … POOF! Before you can say, “Once Upon A Time,” the “Mommy Is Perfect” fairy tale ends.
It’s so shocking. We believed the enchantment would last forever. Silly, silly mommies.
The story becomes a bit of a riches to rags tale as our children’s eyes are opened to our humanity and flaws. We’re revealed as mere mortals — and our fall from grace is not pretty.
Pre-revelation: “You’re the best mommy in the whole world.”
Post-revelation: “You are the only mom in the entire world who makes their child do this! You are SO unfair! You’ve ruined my life!”
Pre-revelation: “What do you think, Mommy?” (Hangs on every word.)
Post revelation: “I knew I shouldn’t have asked you! I knew you would say that! You just don’t understand! That’s why I never tell you anything!”
Pre-revelation: “You’re so pretty, Mommy.”
Post-revelation: “Mom, it looks like the 80’s just threw up on you!” (actual quote from one of my children)
It’s a difficult and heartwrenching transition — this move from “princess” to peasant. I much prefer my reign as Magical Mommy. Because once we’re “revealed,” it feels like we can’t do anything right. But it’s even worse that that. We begin to question if we ever did anything right. If we had, these children of ours surely wouldn’t think we were so incredibly clueless and useless.
But it’s simply a lie. And every once in a while, the truth breaks through — and they make startling revelations. You know, the kind of statements that make us realize that “Mom” might still have a little magic left in her after all. Here are a few revelations from my children that I’m going to hold onto and hopefully continue in 2013:
”You’re always trying to make things better.” In many areas, I can have a dark, pessimistic streak, but when it comes to my children, I’m always optimistic. No matter what’s happening in our relationship or in their lives, I’m sure we can get past it. God has entrusted them to me. I owe it to Him and to them to never give up.
“You give the best hugs.” This from my almost 13-year-old. I think affection and lots of “I love yous” — even when they’re being rotten (maybe especially when they’re being rotten) — makes kids feel secure and loved unconditionally. I’ll keep hugging as long as they’ll let me.
“I would be lost without you, Mom.” This from my 16-year-old. Seriously. Knowing her like I do, what she was really saying was, “I can count on you. You’re present and engaged.” Believe me, this can be really hard during the tween/teen stage. At times, it seems so tempting to retreat both physically and emotionally. It’s safer that way. But I’ve seen the rewards of “going to the mat” with my children.
Sometimes paying attention to our children’s revelations is the best way to determine what we can resolve to build on.
Take some time to think about the areas of your mothering where you shine. Ask God for insight. Starting the year embracing God’s grace, focusing on the positive and depending on guidance from our children’s Creator can only enhance our relationship with them.
No fairy dust required.
17 Comments
Thanks for stopping by my blog earlier and leaving a comment! 🙂 I appreciate it.
I am about in that tween stage with my oldest, and my middle kid is fast on his heals, and I’m in the “terrible twos” with my youngest. It’s an interesting time at our house! I try to remember something my mother told me years ago when people told her the teen years were awful. She thought to herself, “Why do they have to be?”
My mom was not the type of parent who worked to be my friend (i.e. giving me my way). She was my mom and she became one of my best friends, but not because she let me get away with murder, but because she admitted when she was wrong, told me what I needed to hear and was always there for me. I said some things to her growing up that I never meant (like the dreaded, “I hate you!”), out of fear and anger and (honestly) just to see what she’d do. Loving me through it is the best thing she could’ve done. I have always been one to try the reigns and see what my boundaries are. I want someone to say, “Hold on! Don’t go there! That’s too far!” or “You can do it! I’ll keep you safe or be your cheerleader!” I praise the Lord that my mother prayed for me and my siblings and searched out His wisdom in raising us. It’s one of the reasons I still look to her for advice today.
I say all that to say, as a mom, we should never give up on our kids. Keep praying, keep loving, keep listening and tell them often that you love them. Even when it doesn’t seem like they’re listening, even when they think you’re “out of touch”, one day they will tell you something along the lines of what I tell my mom now, “I get it!” and “I understand why you did the things you did!”, but it may be a long time in coming. 🙂
{Melinda} What an encouraging comment, Julie! My oldest is a lot like you were, a really boundary pusher. But I have learned over the last few years, that she really does want limits and that often she doesn’t mean what she says. That has helped me to be a lot more relaxed and has helped our relationship.
It’s so nice to hear from a former teen who went toe-to-toe with her mom who is now on the other side and appreciate all her rules and guidance! 🙂
You know, it’s funny, Melinda, but I was really one who followed the rules and did what I was asked (my sister was more the “rebel” one, but she’ll tell you the same things I am), but there were those times (especially in my tweens vs. teens) when I just was like, “You don’t get me!” I guess it was more I was embarassed by my thoughts or actions and didn’t want to or know how to explain myself thinking that somehow she’d end up hating me no matter how much she said she wouldn’t because, in that moment, I hated myself or thought I should’ve known better or thought I should have been able to do it myself, you know? She was always great at listening, and I wish now that I’d believed her when she said, “You can tell me anything, and I will still love you, even if I don’t like it or if I have to punish you for it.” She did mean that, as I mean it now with my kiddos, and it would’ve saved me a lot of heartache if I’d shared more. I think you know what I’m saying. 🙂
this such an nice post. it’s a heartbreaking knowledge that one day my little sweetie and me might go through that rough patch. but it’s also good to know that our children can make us feel like one million dollar mom with their revelations
have a great weekend
{Melinda} You have time to prepare! 🙂 Every child is different, though. Some seem to go through a rougher tween period that others, depending on personalities. I think it’s such a help to know it’s coming. With my oldest, I had no idea what I was in for. I was more prepared with the next one and that really has made the transition easier.
Enjoy those “magical years.” They are special!!
My fairy dust ran out this year as my daughter turned 9 (I must have started with a smaller batch! 😉 She knows I’m not perfect and I think our relationship is better for it in many ways, but yep, it can be challenging. I love your approach and your writing style and am inspired by the messages you’ve received from your older children. Blessings all the way around! Beautiful post!
{Melinda} Thanks for your kind words, Mary! I agree, the rough patches have definitely deepened our relationships. It’s just painful sometimes, though, isn’t it? 🙂
Thanks so much for stopping by … I will return the favor!
In this, I’ve already been practicing. 🙂 Getting kids from foster care meant they already knew mommy wasn’t perfect. Mommy (me) wasn’t even actually mommy for a long time! So I’m pretty blessed that my tweens are more connected and interested in what I have to say today than they were for the first 5 years with them. It’s my 7 year old that I know will throw me for a loop when she hits me with the “the 80’s threw up on you” look! 😀
{Melinda} You are such an awesome mama, Laurie. You are in my thoughts and prayers often!
First you had me laughing hysterically (because you are SO RIGHT that absolutely we lose our magic when they hit 12) and then I was tearing up because the sweet things your children have relayed to you shows you’ve still got it mom. I love this!! (I can’t type more because if I start thinking of those sweet things more I’ll start actually crying and I have to leave the house in a bit and I need to look normal.)–Lisa
{Melinda} Yes, Lisa, every now and then, when I think all is lost (temporarily), they will stun me with something completely unsolicited and sweet! God knows I need those moments. 🙂
There is SO much power in a hug, isn’t there? Even when my mom was driving me up a wall as a teen, knowing she was steadfast and there for me meant everything. It meant I was safe and secure and would always have someone on my side.
You’re doing that same kind of fantastic job, momma. And you give me faith that when I get there, I’ll be able to do it, too!
{Melinda} You will do it, Michelle, and you will do it brilliantly! Thanks so much for your words of encouragement!
Oh you inspire me with your sweet victories with your older kids…I need to save this post for when I am losing my magic. I anticipate I will need many of your wise and encouraging words then!!! What an awesome mom you are… 🙂
{Melinda} Awww, thank you for those sweet words. I’ve made lots of mistakes, but I just thank God that He is so faithful to fill in the many areas where I fall short! The victories are almost sweeter when they’re older because you really feel like you’ve earned them! 🙂
What you wrote is absolutely true! Parenting teens(we have 4 in the house right now!) is very challenging! We have to hold onto those shining moments when their love shines through!
Michelle
{Melinda} Absolutely, Michelle! It’s holding onto these moments that gets us through the rough times.