What mom hasn’t used stickers to motivate their child?
When my kids were young, a gold star, a dollar store prize or even a simple “good job, honey” was usually enough to bring a satisfied smile to their sweet, little faces. And then they’d skip off to finish a homework assignment or complete a chore so they could earn a prize — and my approval — once again.
Then they turned into tweens and teens. And suddenly I wasn’t in Kansas anymore.
Hanging with friends became much more attractive than hitting the books. And me? Well, overnight my wisdom evaporated. Might as well have just planted a dunce cap on my head.
Kids hit adolescence and our once powerful influence seems to be thrown on the trash heap — along with those now-worthless sticker charts. And it happens just when our children stand to benefit most from our life experience and direction. Just when the stakes are the highest.
Believe it or not, they really do still want our approval and our guidance. Really. We just have to become more creative — and sometimes more covert — in our methods and delivery.
Here are a few methods that I’ve found to be effective in my sticker-free tween/teen world:
Turn wishing into action. At the beginning of each school year, my husband and I encourage the kids to write down some goals for the new year. But we quickly discovered goals are not enough. They often don’t know how to reach them. And a goal without a plan is what we call a wish. So now, I ask them to think through how they are going to reach it. It helps to revisit those goals a few times a year. If they are having trouble meeting them, ask them what they can do differently. Also, small, frequent rewards are helpful in boosting motivation levels.
Give them a vision for the future. Teens often don’t think past what they’re doing Friday night. When I wanted to give my soccer-player daughter a future vision for college, I sent her to a three-day soccer camp on a college campus. She slept and ate at the dorms and received a reality-packed (C’s aren’t gonna cut it!) lecture from an admissions counselor. Now she had an exciting picture of the future and what it took to get there. Camps can be expensive, but most offer scholarships. Another idea is to arrange for your teen or tween to spend a day shadowing someone in a field that interest them.
Don’t rescue. When we see our kids begin to falter and underperform, our first instinct is to be the safety net. As a former “safety net” mom, here’s my advice: Don’t. Rescuing gives them no reason to change. But if an ‘F’ on a test or a zero on a homework assignment also doesn’t provide motivation, curtail their weekend plans and/or media time.
Speak confidence into them. Nagging and lecturing isn’t very inspiring. Regular, sincere comments like these can be: “You got a B on your English test? I knew you were capable of that!” or “I’ve noticed that Math seems to come pretty easily to you. If you keep working hard, I bet you could take Honors Geometry next year.”
Having said all that, here is the cold, hard truth: They have to want it. We can direct, encourage and set boundaries but we cannot force an internal motivation and drive. At some point — and we all pray it’s while they’re young — they’ll realize that they’ve had enough of mediocre. We can guide, but they have to decide.
As one of my children recently said to me, “One day, I just figured out that there really is no down side to doing well and getting good grades.”
Give that kid a gold star.
Like what you’ve read here?
Subscribe to us here by email and receive a FREE Fruit of the Spirit Printable!
11 Comments
the comment of no transition and the change being almost overnight…that is so true….almost the first week of school the highs and lows of her moods got her reeling…I explained that it was all chemistry…we wold weather it and rise above the fray…my 6th grader just ended on a high note not because I rescued her…not at all…but because she decided she would work hard and choose her place amongst her peers…she wants to be popular but because she is as strong in her math and science as the boys of her class…she had a brief encounter with a mid grade that was poor and then sprung right back into action…she didn’t like disappointment and being treated like she does not apply herself…I took her own desires and fueled her engine…she is doing wonderfully and looking forward to the hard work ahead of her…
They have to want it. Ugh…that is so true and it can be SO HARD to come to terms with. I’m doing SO much better with accepting that (and not rescuing) but this progress is very hard won. But it’s really the only way to do it…and it does pay off! 🙂 –Lisa
{Melinda} Just saw this comment, Lisa! Good for you for not rescuing — one of my biggest regrets with my kids has been rescuing too much. It does them NO favors. I think rescuing is more about us than them. WE don’t want to see them fail, we don’t want to look like bad parents, etc. Hard for me to face, but I realized it was true. Ouch.
Oh how I dread those years… I am still in la la land over here with my 4th grader and know it will change in the blink of an eye! Will you come stay with us in a few years and help train me for those tween challenges? Please? I’ll feed you lots of good (fast) food!! 😉
{Melinda} Enjoy lala land for as long as you can, Chris! It will evaporate — literally overnight. That was what surprised me the most. I thought it would be a gradual transtion. Nope. One day, they’re sweet, rational children. The next, you’re just not quite sure who they are! But I can honestly say, I have learned to love alot of things about the teen phase, too. Watching them grow and being able to have really mature discussions with them (at times!) 🙂 is very cool.
I am struggling with my teen wanting anything. He is a 3 sport athlete that used to get straight A’s. He got straight A’s because he didn’t want to risk his “basketball scholarship”. He believed with his whole heart that was attainable and I didn’t tell him otherwise (Why would I? You never know.). This year as he entered high school, his star has dulled. He is doing the bare minimum and would rather hang out with friends than put forth any effort into anything. When I asked him about his dreams of being a basketball player his answer was, “Reality hit.” 🙁 You are right about them still wanting our approval. When a friend of his got into trouble, I made the comment, “I’ll never look at that kid the same.” His eyes got wide and he said, “I messed up before. You didn’t look at me differently.” I told him I did and that I was disappointed when he made a bad choice and I saw him really think about it. Maybe it is wishful thinking…I’m totally grasping at straws with him lately.
{Melinda} It’s so hard sometimes, AnnMarie! They’re moods and motivation levels are often up and down, so I’ve just resolved to be the calm, consistent, encouraging influence as much as possible. They need that — even if they’d never verbalize it. I do think that they want our approval even when they seem to not care. I find that often helps keep them from straying too far. You know you are in my prayers. You’re a good mom!
Don’t rescue is such an important one in our house. SO HARD TO RESIST but I’ve seen many a grown adult who were ruined by the constant parent rescue!!
{Melinda} Angi, you are so right! Whenever I think about enabling one of my kids, I think about the grownup that I want them to be. I ask myself, “Is what I’m doing going to help them be a responsible, independent adult?
A goal without a plan is a wish. Brilliant. I am working on letting go of the safety net!
{Melinda} Laura, I’ve found like anything else, enabling just becomes a habit. And we have to be deliberate about breaking it. It’s really hard! But once you’ve done it for a while, it DOES get easier and NOT doing it becomes more natural.