I didn’t see it coming.
After the Herculean effort it took to prepare for our family vacation, we were now standing at the airport check-in with plenty of time to pass through security and find our gate.
We’re home free! What could possibly go wrong now? I thought.
I had to ask.
Check-in Clerk: Sir, two of your bags are overweight. That will be $50 for each bag.
Husband: In addition to the $35 I already paid online?!
Clerk (with no expression): Yes.
Husband: Each way?!
Clerk: Yes. Each way.
She said it matter-of-factly, as if it were perfectly reasonable to fork over THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY DOLLARS for the simple privilege of not going naked on your vacation. This from a “budget” airline. Whose budget? Bill Gates?!
Me: That’s ridiculous!
Clerk: Well, you could try to redistribute the weight to your other bag. It’s lighter.
Husband (visibly irritated): Start unzipping!
So, right there, at the side of the check-in counter, with a line of impatient, gawking onlookers taking in the scene, we all unzipped our neatly packed suitcases and began frantically moving undies, razors and shampoo from one bag to another.
Other travelers stepped over and around us. I swear I heard snickering.
It isn’t enough that we nearly have to disrobe to go through security. That they once confiscated my then-infant son’s Teletubbies fork for being a “potential weapon.” That a few years ago I acquired a file with the FBI for accidentally leaving a paring knife in an overnight bag.
The airline industry apparently did not feel I had yet been sufficiently humiliated. Nope, now I had to expose my baggage.
Have you ever felt that way as a mother? I know I have.
You try to do the right things. Keep the kids in line. Keep family life neat and tidy.
And then, in the most public of venues, your family “baggage” is laid bare.
Kids tend to exhibit their unique — and sometimes forceful — personalities without much regard to how it looks or who’s listening.
My own weaknesses — impatience, sarcasm, anger, pride — have also been on display in the process.
During my 16 years of motherhood, I’ve weathered some complicated parenting challenges — as we all do at some point. I’ve sometimes felt (and heard) the disapproval of gawking onlookers. Strangers — and friends — who only saw a snapshot of the our family’s relationships, personalities and dynamics sometimes offered simplistic remedies and judgments.
It used to bother me. A lot.
It doesn’t anymore. It’s not that I refuse all advice. During those times, I’ve gravitated toward a trusted few who listen, offer encouragement, wisdom and suggestions (and know when not to!) and refrain from uninformed judgments. If you don’t have those kind of people in your life, ask God for them. I did. And He answered.
Jesus’ family life was messy. He was conceived by an unwed mother. Born in a stable. His parents didn’t fully understand His earthly mission. And His own brothers didn’t believe He was who He claimed to be. Talk about some complicated family dynamics.
Why should we expect any different?
No matter what is going on in your family, trust that God is working. Don’t get brought down by the messiness of the process. Don’t allow the airing of your family “baggage” to leave you feeling condemned and embarrassed.
Ask for God’s guidance. Try to follow His leading. Accept His grace when you inevitably make mistakes. When you do that, you have nothing to be ashamed of — no matter how messy the scene may look to outsiders.
12 Comments
Oh so many times I have been frustrated with my girls only to realize that I am embarrassed at the exposure of my lack of perfection. And I have a friend I call, when I need prayer, who always understands. Thanks for the reminder to be thankful for her.
{Melinda} I’m so glad you have a friend like that, Laura. Kathy is definitely that for me and I am beyond grateful. 🙂
I like Michelle’s comment above- these feelings should make us all the more compassionate to other moms when they are having their bad moments.
{Melinda} Definitely, Robin. It’s easy to judge. It takes more effort and grace to be compassionate and offer constructive support and wisdom.
You know when you go to church and the pastor or priest seems to be talking right to you? Seems to know exactly what you need to hear? And you just know that God led you to that service or that mass? Well, that is how I feel when I read your blog. Somehow you know exactly what I need to hear. Thank you. A million times thank you. I get so tired of parenting in an arena and I am just now learning to trust God with what to do and not care what others think. It’s not always easy but the other way is making me feel crazy.
Oh and the baggage thing? I have had to do that too many times to count. More people have seen my underwear at O’Hare than I’d like to admit.
{Melinda} AnnMarie, I am so glad that God used this message to speak to you and encourage you. I am convinced that God caused our paths to cross in cyberspace. Amazing how someone you’ve never met can be close to your heart — but you are close to mine. 🙂 You and your family continue to be in my prayers often.
Oh, this is SO true! Which is exactly why–at the very moment I start to look at another mother slightly askew when her child is fresh or, let’s just say, “over exuberant”–I pause and choose the compassion route instead.
We have ALL been there, and I know a friendly, “I understand” look from another mom has made all the difference.
As for the airlines … well, my thoughts on that subject could be a post unto itself …
{Melinda} I found that I often, especially in public, I was adjusting my parenting based on what other people’s reactions were and that really wasn’t the right thing for my kids. That’s why I had to just block out the judgment, do what I thought was right at that moment, and rest in the fact that I knew the whole situation and the unique challenges they — and I — was facing at that particular time.
And yes, the “I understand” look is priceless, Michelle!
You rock for being that compassionate mom in the crowd! I know I’ve gone that route too. It’s fun, once you’ve been the brunt of humiliation as a family with “issues,” to be the angel in the crowd who actually loves on the mom in Target who’s kid is having a totally meltdown!
{Melinda} I totally agree, Laurie! My public meltdown experiences have definitely upped my compassion quotient about 1000%! 🙂
{Melinda} I tell you, Chris … The longer I raise children, the less judgment I place on other mothers. It is HARD and kids are unpredictable. There are so many influences out there that are so hard to combat, even if you are doing everything “right.” (As if anyone could, right?!)
But I didn’t get to that place until my kids began reaching middle school age! So I totally understand what you’re saying. I have been there. And have to ask God everyday to give others grace. And to give myself grace, too!
Oh yes, the truth is- there is NO family without baggage!!! Those shiny happy people holding hands…have just as much if not more baggage than us dirty grumpy people slapping hands. LOL But here’s the flip side: As much as I claim to love people- accept every. single. person. on. this. earth. I catch MYSELF doing the “judgemental eye roll” when I see something that looks ‘wrong’. How dare I do what I stand so strongly against doing? It’s a terribly easy response. The difficult road is in true self control and grace toward all. Ouch. For. Me.