I {Melinda} needed her to be there for me.
I was a young mommy who needed her mommy.
To support me. To be the reassuring voice on the end of the phone. To truly engage my kids.
But she couldn’t — at least not nearly to the degree that I wanted or needed.
She wasn’t being mean. She didn’t intentionally try to hurt or abandon me. She loved me and my kids.
But, for a host of reasons, she was unable to give me what I so badly desired.
And it stung. Every time she disappointed me, it stung.
After her death and a great deal of maturity, I was able to understand more fully why she was unable to provide the nuturing and support I craved. And I truly let go of that hurt and embraced forgiveness.
In Matthew, Jesus asked His disciples to “wait for just one hour” while He was in need — the greatest need of any human at any time. Instead, they fell asleep. Did they intend to hurt Him? No, they loved Him. They had given up everything to follow Him. Yet, even as close as they were to Jesus, they did not realize how important it was for them to wait with Him and pray with Him.
In the Garden of Gethsemane, who was ultimately there for Jesus? Not the disciples — only His Father. Only God the Father knew His inmost needs and what He was about to endure.
Why do the people closest to us — our community — so often hurt us?
1. They are human. That’s right. Sometimes they might be selfish. Other times, weak. Maybe they are just clueless.
2. They can’t. For one reason or another, they are incapable physically or emotionally or both.
3. Our expectations are too high. We are looking to them for only things that only God can provide. Is it wrong to have certain expectations of the community around us? No, but we also should expect to be disappointed.
The only time we have control over what or how community ministers to one another is when we choose to take action. All of us will be hurt by someone in our church, our family or our relationships. What we do with the pain, is our choice.
Only through the loving forgiveness of Christ can we transform our hurt into healing — for both ourselves and others. Otherwise, we will wallow in the “poor, pitiful me” state for far longer that God intended. We are called to forgive as God forgave us. He knows that will make us happy and also spread His gospel.
So how exactly do we forgive past hurts by community?
1. Tell them why they hurt us and give them a chance for reconciliation.
2. Recognize that even Peter wasn’t capable at all times. Even though he denied Jesus three times, God still used him as the rock on which to build His church. Talk about second chances!
3. Accept that only God can provide true peace, acceptance and understanding. Depending on human beings to fill the God-shaped hole in your heart will always lead you to disappointment. Only God promises to never leave us or forsake us.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, give others what you feel you’ve been denied. Turn that hurt into healing by recognizing and meeting needs in others.
Our own hurt is what motivates us to minister to moms. Let’s not let our wounds go to waste.
18 Comments
I say this all the time when I agree with someone on Google+… one simple word often sums up exactly how I feel: word.
So, I’ll say it again. Word! I so “get” what you’re talking about here. I have screwy parents who never really bonded with me (yes, even my mom). I’m over the pain of it. And, I’m way past feeling angry too. I live them and I forgive them for not being capable of giving something neither of them have to give. I never forgot something that that Pastor and Dr. Mark Chironna once said, that I can seriously relate to at this particular time in my life; “The very same people you think you should minister to are most often the people that you need to be delivered from.”
Amen. I get that… loud and clear now.
{Melinda} Love that saying, Carlo. It is so true. Sometimes, no matter how painful it is, we sometimes have to draw boundaries with people that we so badly want to connect with and have relationship with. It is usually for our own protection and spiritial and personal growth. Thanks so much for stopping by … LOVED your post on E-books this week. SO helpful!
You know, I had a very difficult relationship with my own mother, so I very much related to this post. In has been since her death that I began to understand more of who she really was, both good and bad. Thank you for writing this.
{Melinda} You’re so welcome, Ashley. The longer I’m a mother, the more grace I have for my mom. I realize how tough mothering can be — and she had some emotional handicaps that I do not. She loved me and taught me about Jesus. I am so grateful for that, despite all the things I wish she had been able to give.
Hey visiting from Sits! Great post!! You make some very interesting points. Sometimes moms aren’t there for help and/or support because they can’t be there physically or they want us to learn on our own. My mom is there for moral support. She picks my daughter up from daycare everyday. But, I’m careful not to allow her to take over. I want to learn things on my own as a mom. I feel that when you give and inch, they take a mile (so to speak). I want to set the tone as far as parenting. If I allow my mom or anyone else for that matter too much, then they’ll become the parent. It’s not that I’m being selfish or rude. I strongly believe that it’s important to parent on my own terms. I’m glad that Princess has both her grandmas in her life and she’s close to both. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
{Kathy} That sounds like a sticky situation with the grandmas. When we feel like someone is trying to take over, especially if they spend an extraordinary amount of time with our kids, it’s not good. Help doesn’t feel like help when it makes us feel inadequate.
Awesome post! So much of our pain gets locked up inside and the journey of healing and forgiveness never happens. God uses every hurt for His good. I use mine thoroughly to help others heal. It’s so fulfilling!!! BUT- it isn’t easy to focus on how God really wants us to heal and reach out to people with our message. Never. Easy. It always has to come with trust in His guidance. 🙂
{Kathy} Yes Chris, everything that I have gone through thus far in my life has been used in some pretty miraculous ways for God’s greater glory. Suffering can be good. But trusting Him to bring us through to the other side of pain, helps keep us humble.
Hello from the SITS Sharefest! I like your post. It’s very important to share with others b/c that’s also how we get healing… even when we don’t realize we still need it. Thank you!
{Kathy} Hey Andrea! Thanks for visiting! I can’t wait to see your post on being a soccer mom. I have 3 sons and a daughter who have all played soccer–one who even traveled to England last Summer to train with a semi-professional team. Now that my youngest, Luke (9) is playing again, I see things so differently.
Been there. I wonder how many times I’ve hurt someone close to me? This was convicting! As usual 😉
{Kathy} Thank you for your comment. It is hard to realize that we might have hurt people close to us. Luckily, God gives us the same forgiveness we can extend to those we hurt.
very thoughtful and ‘nutritious’ post melinda. p.s. tried the FB comment above but didn’t seem to work… i’m sorry if i bombarded you with multiple comments in my ignorance! 🙂
{Melinda} Thank you, Kris! I noticed you linked up to (in)courage today, too. I’ll go read your tasty post now! And I’m sorry you had problems with the FB comment option. Your posts did show up, though. Technology! 🙂
Thanks for your comment on my blog!
This such a wonderful message! I agree wholeheartedly about finding ways to turn experiences that may have hurt us into opportunities to serve and heal others. Thanks so much for sharing!
{Melinda} You are welcome, Jana! I’m so glad you were blessed by it. Your post today was so authentic and heartfelt. Glad to have found your blog today!
Melinda, thank you so much for your comment a this little light … and thank you for tweeting! I’m so happy that I followed your link back this way: what a wonderful blog you have!
Just signed up for a subscription and as a new FB follower!
{Melinda} Hi, Michelle! Loved your post today … thank you for the kind words about our blog. So glad to have you as a follower. Looking forward to getting to know you better. Followed you on Twitter and subscribed to your blog as well!