My son is a very smart boy, but he doesn’t fully understand.
He can’t comprehend the very serious consequences he could face.
All he knows is that he’s sick of doing chest therapy, breathing treatments, taking handfuls of vitamins and eating healthy. Who could blame him?
He just wants to be a “normal” teenager. And to him, being “normal” doesn’t include any of the above.
Micah doesn’t completely realize it, but his life without his cystic fibrosis medicine is not one he’d enjoy. For 13 years, God has used caring doctors and amazing medications to keep my beautiful boy breathing deeply. He plays baseball. Rarely misses school. Makes straight A’s.
I want to keep him well. And so, I’ve had to be willing to feel rotten:
Micah: Why, why do you make me do this? How would you feel if you had to do this?! Why do you even care if I do my medicine? I’ll be the one to pay the price!
But the price could be so much higher than he realizes.
Me: I make you do your medicine because I love you. I give you consequences for not doing it because I love you.
Micah: Well, it sure doesn’t feel like love! If you loved me, you wouldn’t nag me all the time! You wouldn’t make me do this! You hate me!
Me: Micah, I know you’re really mad at me. That’s okay. You can even not like me very much. I’m willing to take that. But just take your medicine!
Each time this scenario plays out, my heart is pumping and I’m on the verge of tears.
I don’t like being the “bad” guy.
It goes against every (recovering) “people-pleasing” fiber of my being.
The idea of loving our kids evokes warm, happy feelings.
The reality of love with our children is that sometimes we feel awful and misunderstood.
The idea of love suggests deep closeness.
The reality of love means that we have to be willing to accept feeling isolated from them at times. Pushed away. Disliked. Labeled “the enemy.”
After 16 years of parenting, I’ve learned to accept the reality of love. Because that’s the kind of love that provides true healing.
I think about how I have a Parent who does things that sometimes don’t make sense to me either:
My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts, says the Lord.
And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so my ways are higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9
And, though, I don’t always understand His ways, I know His love is real. And for my ultimate good.
Even though it sometimes hurts.
Recently, a friend’s husband encouraged me with these words: “Remember, Melinda, one day, the ‘bad guy’ will become the ‘good guy.'”
That day may be a long way off, but when it comes, it will feel great.
11 Comments
Melinda, thank you for sharing this heart-felt post. It is important for those of us whose children do not have health issues to hear about this struggle so that we can have a little better understanding of families that we know that face these challenges every day. Also, it beautifully illustrates our relationship with God. So often when we are going through difficult times we become angry with God because of our discomfort, not realizing that what He is working in our lives is for our ultimate, eternal good even though it hurts at the moment, and even though we can’t see the value of it. May God bless you and your family.
{Melinda} Thank you so much, Anna. Micah’s struggles — and my own — have given me a much deeper understanding of God and a compassion for other people who are struggling. It’s made me much less judgmental. We just never know what burden another person is carrying. Sometimes those burdens are invisible — to us, anyway.
Thank you for stopping by!
What a great post Melinda. Even though he doesn’t understand now, some day he will thank you! I’m dealing a bit with being the “bad guy” now too but I keep reminding myself Ithat I have to be a parent first, not a friend. We can be friends later when their all grown up. Keep up the great work- your articles are so inspiring!
{Melinda} You are doing a great job, Janine. It is tough. I’m praying for you!!
I am so thankful for your post today, as it spoke directly to my heart!!!! I have 3 children and it seems so unfair that one of them has to deal with the medicine, and the secluding diet and ointments. I have heard the same from my precious 6 year old, “Stop! I don’t want to so this anymore! YOUR hurting me mom!!” Oh how my heart hurts, and the tears flow and I ask God WHY. I know the consequences if I don’t follow through with her care, but she doesn’t understand.
Thank you, it helps so much that another mom DOES understand!
Praying for your sweet boy now…
{Melinda} Netty, it makes me so happy that I have encouraged another special needs mom today. It is a long battle. With stakes that are extremely high. I’ve told my son, “Battle the DISEASE. Don’t battle me!”
Praying for your child RIGHT NOW and for you, warrior mama!
This has to be hard to deal with day in and day out. I’m glad that you shared this with us because I’m sure many parents can relate to these struggles of having to love their kids even when it hurts.
{Melinda} It can be tough, Crystal. Everyday is a battle on some level — for him and for me. Sometimes it’s an external battle. Sometimes a mental battle. I just have to keep turning it over to God. Moment by moment.
Melinda, beautifully put. Thank you for sharing how the this physical struggle continues to build your concept of love. Encouraging to my heart!
{Melinda} Awww, thank you, Julie! I’m so glad it was encouraging to you … Even though struggles are so painful, I am grateful for how it always expands my concept of God’s love for me.