The consequences could be serious.
But it’s difficult for my very smart son to fully grasp that.
All he knows is that he’s sick of doing chest therapy, breathing treatments, taking handfuls of vitamins and eating healthy. Who could blame him?
He just wants to be a “normal” teenager. And to him, being “normal” doesn’t include any of the above.
Micah doesn’t completely realize it, but his life without his cystic fibrosis medicine is not one he’d enjoy. For 13 years, God has used caring doctors and amazing medications to keep my beautiful boy breathing deeply. He plays baseball. Rarely misses school. Makes straight A’s.
I want to keep him well. And so, I’ve had to be willing to feel rotten:
Micah: Why, why do you make me do this? How would you feel if you had to do this?! Why do you even care if I do my medicine? I’ll be the one to pay the price!
But the price could be so much higher than he realizes.
Me: I make you do your medicine because I love you. I give you consequences for not doing it because I love you.
Micah: Well, it sure doesn’t feel like love! If you loved me, you wouldn’t nag me all the time! You wouldn’t make me do this! You hate me!
Me: Micah, I know you’re really mad at me. That’s okay. You can even not like me very much. I’m willing to take that. But just take your medicine!
Each time this scenario plays out, my heart is pumping and I’m on the verge of tears.
I don’t like being the “bad” guy.
It goes against every (recovering) “people-pleasing” fiber of my being.
The idea of loving our kids evokes warm, happy feelings.
The reality of love with our children is that sometimes we feel awful and misunderstood.
The idea of love suggests deep closeness.
The reality of love means that we have to be willing to accept feeling isolated from them at times. Pushed away. Disliked. Labeled “the enemy.”
After 16 years of parenting, I’ve learned to accept the reality of love. Because that’s the kind of love that provides true healing.
I think about how I have a Parent who does things that sometimes don’t make sense to me either:
My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts, says the Lord.
And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so my ways are higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9
And, though, I don’t always understand His ways, I know His love is real. And for my ultimate good.
Even though it sometimes hurts.
Recently, a friend’s husband encouraged me with these words: “Remember, Melinda, one day, the ‘bad guy’ will become the ‘good guy.'”
That day may be a long way off, but when it comes, it will feel great.
31 Comments
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That is my favorite scripture. Very nice reminder.
-Honeybee
Oh, how well I know those moments. I remember holding my baby while she got her immunizations and having her look at me accusingly, seeming to ask, “Why are you letting them hurt me?” I remember so many times letting my kids struggle or do without or soothe their own hurts because it was the right thing for their growth, even when they couldn’t see it. If they only knew how much it hurts our hearts to do those things.
I agree. One day they will. But for now, trusting our hearts is all we can do.
I love that you compared our experiences with God’s parenting. I’ve learned to trust that He always does what’s best for me even when it’s not what I want. I hope to help my children learn the same.
I’m sorry your son struggles. I wish you could see into the future and see the strengths he is gaining because of it and the incredible man he will be. You’re doing a great job mom.
{Melinda} What an incredibly sweet and encouraging comment, Robin. I know you understand the difficulties, both emotional and physical, associated with chronic health problems. I have chronic health issues also and I know God has used them in hugely positive ways in my life. Like you, I am anxious to see how God is going to use them to build his character and compassion for others. Your words were really comforting to me. Thank you. <3
Trust me Melinda, he will love you forever for this, he just does not know it yet. It took my getting married and after pushing out my first son right on the delivery bed for me to understand my mother’s love. And I wrote her the first and longest letter I have ever written to her…
Keep on loving him in this regard…
{Melinda} Thank you so much for the encouragement … it really means alot. I know I have to take the long view and that it WILL pay off. Sometimes in the middle of the battle, it’s hard to remember that!
Keep plugging, mom! I often think back to the horrible fights I had with my parents as a teenager. Those are the times that make us closer now. Someday he’ll understand.
{Melinda} You are so right! I’ve already seen that with my daughter, Leslie. We went through a really rough time in middle school. I hung in there with her and she with me and it’s made us a lot closer now that she’s in high school.
My 6-year-old has Crohn’s Disease and although he doesn’t fight me on his meds and our healthy diet yet, I am anticipating that day before long. Thank you for sharing your story and encouragement to remember that love is something truly tough love!
{Melinda} Rachel, Micah did really great until he got to about age 11. I think that pre-teen thing started kicking in and he just didn’t want to be different. I think eventually he will learn to “own” his disease. He just isn’t there yet.
Oh so true Melinda!! I have so experienced this. I have a son who has dyslexia and it causes him to have great difficulty in certain subjects at school. I have him in a special program that is helping… it also happens to be HUGELY expensive…. but every time he has to do it he screams at me. Why are YOU doing this to ME? I HATE this! and I, like you, am branded the bad guy. It’s so hard, but it has taught me a lot about God. How he will let me be hurt, angry, uncomfortable, for my ultimate good. And just like I tell my son that he just needs to stop fighting and do it, I feel the Holy Spirit saying the same to me. Great thought provoking post today! Love it!
{Melinda} Thank you, Kari! Yes, it gives me a deeper understanding of why God allows me to go things I don’t understand. And how He must feel as He watches us suffer in the short-term because He knows it’s for our long-term good. I’m so sorry for the battles you go through with your son, too. It is not easy — this loving well business!
Oh this is so beautiful Melinda!!! Bless your heart… and Micah’s too. What a painful and sacrificing journey you both have endured. How can any child or teen cope with this type of constant medical treatment with open arms? I’m sure it has been so difficult to ‘love him’ like you do… I love that verse. All of us parents know this kind of love all too well.
{Melinda} I always tell him that I don’t expect him to like it, but that he has to do it. The cost of not doing it is so much greater. Hard for a 13-year-old boy to understand.
Ditto to Michelle and Hope…those were thoughts almost exactly.
He knows it’s all in love, teens will be teens.
{Melinda} Yes, “teens will be teens.” Sometimes are mama hearts forget that. 🙂
Parenting can be so hard, can’t it? One minute they “hate” you, the other they want you to drive them somewhere or buy them something. They do genuinely appreciate us sometimes but two seconds later, say the wrong thing and you are so done! Here’s to it getting easier at some point!
{Melinda} You have teenagers, so you understand, Michelle! So unpredictable! I’ve gotten better at realizing that in the short-term, it’s going to be rough, but hopefully, God-willing, if we stick with it, we’ll see fruit in the end. 🙂
That is an excellent scripture and so appropriate for this post. Love is action and the love you have for your son speaks volumes… despite how it feels sometimes. Beautiful post.
{Melinda} Thank you, Hope. I can understand God’s role as Parent so much better now that I’m a parent. I understand how He must feel when I resist His attempts to guide me in ways that are to my benefit. And that has deepened my walk with Him.
Your friend is absolutely right, Melinda. I have a 22-year old (my oldest). He’s now a dad. He has looked at me a few times recently and said, “Mom, I’m glad you .” What seemed harsh and unnecessary at one time to him was now completely understandable and appreciated. 🙂
{Melinda} It’s so reassuring to hear that, Crystal. I know in my mind, it’s true, but sometimes when you’re in the daily battles, that “someday” seems elusive. Thank you so much for the encouragement.
The hardest part of parenting, no doubt. But also probably the most important part. Excellent post.-The Dose Girls
{Melinda} Yes, no one told me it was going to be this hard. It’s a good thing. I’ve been much better off trusting God to give me what I need as I need it. Looking too far into the future is just scary sometimes.
I can’t even form a complete sentence about the post, I was crying so hard. We sacrifice so much for our kids, you would do anything, even be the bad guy for him to be healthy and happy. One day, he will look back on this and know you were not just his mother, but an angel…sobbing right now…..
{Melinda} Awww, Karen … thanks so much for your words and for feeling the pain with me. I know the pain of not being the “bad guy” would be so much worse in the long run. On a day to day basis, sometimes that’s hard to remember. Fighting the battles as moms can make us weary. That’s why I love having moms like you to encourage me. Thank you!
This is a great post. Growing up I had psoriasis. Now, there are better treatments, but then it meant creams and stinky shampoo and other things. I often got angry with my mom – just the way your son does – for making me do all those things. Now, I have a daughter who has extremely dry skin (eczema, not psoriasis) and she hates that I make her put on lotion every day. It seems like such a simple thing, but she despises it. Now, I understand what my mom felt when I yelled at her. Eventually, your son will appreciate what you are doing – my guess is he already does. Sometimes your are just the easiest target for his frustration and that’s o.k. It means he is comfortable with you and trusts in your unconditional love.
{Melinda} Thank you so much for the encouragement, Lisa. I can’t tell you how much that means. Some days I realize I’m just the closest target, other days I find it hard not to take it personally. Or, I just get weary. But it helps to hear stories like yours because it reminds me to take the long view. Thank you!
You have captured the reality of loving so well. Thank you for sharing this story. Does Micah know about it? Just reading this makes me feel like I can love more bravely. Off to share this….
{Melinda} Thank you so much, Laura. What a sweet comment. I had Micah read this before I published it to make sure he was okay with it. He didn’t say much, but he was fine with me publishing it, so I know he appreciated what it said. I can read him pretty well.
God has used parenting strong-willed kids with special needs to make me love much more bravely.