I was living in a fantasy world.
Our local bookstore hosted a weekly toddler story time. I thought that all good mommies took their children to these kinds of things.
And I really wanted to be a good mommy.
So, off we went — me and my two-and-a-half-year-old Molly. Never mind that I had never personally witnessed Molly sit or stand still for more than two seconds at a time — at least not when it wasn’t naptime.
Yet somehow I convinced myself that the soothing voice of the storyteller would be so enchanting and captivating that she would sit with starry eyes and hands folded, lost in the fascinating, unfolding adventure.
It didn’t take long for that far-fetched fantasy to turn into a pumpkin.
While the other kids were wide-eyed and attentive, Molly was having none of it.
She spun and danced.
Fidgeted and squirmed.
Jumped and twirled.
I could feel the disapproving stares of mothers who sat nearby.
Trying to calm her was like attempting to put Jack back in the box while someone continued to turn the crank.
The whole experience ended with her running down the aisles of the bookstore with me (six months pregnant at the time) breathlessly waddling after her.
Molly is not a calm, sit-with-hands-folded kind of girl. She wasn’t at age two. She isn’t now at 16.
It took me a long time to figure out that I needed to parent real Molly. Not Make-Believe Molly. You know what I mean. I spent years trying to parent the fantasy child I thought she should be, or the child I wanted her to be. Or, even the child I thought others expected her to be.
I was guilty of the same mistake with her brother.
The results are no fairytale. It causes resentment to build — on both sides. It sends the message that we’re not just unhappy with their behavior. We’re disappointed or unsatisfied with who they are.
God made our children as He did with all their beautiful uniqueness. I’m so glad He didn’t give me the make-believe children I thought I wanted. The real children He gave me are so much more interesting, more amazing and more challenging to the rotten parts of myself.
We have to mold, guide and direct our children — their character and qualities. But I’ve been guilty of either subtly or directly trying to change the person they were created to be. I’ve parented imaginary children.
When I began to start parenting my real children, I let go of unrealistic expectations.
And I enjoyed my kids more.
When I began to start parenting my real children, I quit feeding my resentment.
And our relationship began to thrive.
When I began to start parenting my real children, I quit my continual nitpicking.
And my children’s sense of security and worth increased.
We aren’t guaranteed “happily ever afters.”
But we greatly increase our children’s contentment — and our own — when we stop living in make-believe.
14 Comments
Yes, my daughter is three and for years I have sometimes wondered why she isn’t like her friends or other kids at times. I am certain the parents of those kids have maybe wondered at times why their kids aren’t more like mine. They’re just all so different. My daughter is not fearless. She is a great many things and I love her caution, but it has taken me a long time to wonder why she doesn’t run and climb every structure at the playground like every other kid. Now I try to go at her speed. She’s like me. She does things, in slow time..
My actual child is much different than my “make believe” children…I didn’t want any at all! God’s plan definitely bet out the so-called plan I had for myself. Nice post…great reminder. Andrea visiting from SITS.
{Melinda} Isn’t that the truth? God’s plan always trumps our own doesn’t it? Thanks so much for stopping by!
So good friends. When we let go of everyone else’s expectations, parenting is more fun and our relationships better. This is something I need to preach to myself consistently!
{Melinda} Me, too, Stephanie! I can so easily go into “make-believe” mode!
Oh how this story resonates with my soul! I took my daughter a few years ago to story time (she was 2) and it was a disaster. Someone sat in a seat that she wanted before she could get there and right in the peaceful quiet environment my child flipped out. Screamed, cried, kicked, punched … it was awful. I couldn’t calm her down- nothing I tried worked. I had two other little ones with me at the time and getting out of that place quickly was awful. I felt so defeated. You are so right though, parenting is not always a fairy tale. Every child is different and needs to be molded and shaped in different ways. My daughter, who is now 5, is the most friendly, outgoing, loving, sharing girl you will ever meet- who would have guessed that day back at story time a few years back?! We all will encounter times that we feel like failures and thank goodness for people like you who can show that this is real life and a couple hard times doesn’t mean we are doing a bad job. We are all learning and growing right along with those precious little ones!
{Melinda} We worry so much about what our kids are going to turn out like based on things when they’re so little! It’s hard to have perspective in mothering, isn’t it?
This is FANTASTIC advice. Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in our own expectations are and forget that we have real, live unique individuals we are parenting. If everyone in 2nd grade is doing soccer, but your child doesn’t like soccer, it’s not going to be a fun or rewarding thing for your child to do–the real one who has thoughts, feelings, preferences, and a personality all his or her own.
Great post!! –Lisa
{Melinda} Yes … trying to make our kids fit a mold they weren’t meant to fill is frustrating for everyone. And it makes them feel inadequate because they can’t do something that they were never meant to do. Took me too long to realize that!
Oh how I love this post!! Such a great message here and I can totally relate. It’s about surrendering what you think your child should be and embracing the unique creation your child truly is. And often, that isn’t our ideal… but our kids are worthy of being valued for who they are, not what we/the world expects them to be.
{Melinda} I can so easily make parenting about ME instead of about the child and God’s plan for His unique creation. I have to be aware of that all the time.