Hey! Can we go jump off the bridge?
My then-13-year-old daughter, Molly, motioned to the end of the dock that extended into the ocean. She said it nonchalantly like she was asking something innocuous like “Can I walk to the neighbor’s?” She and several of her friends crowded around and anxiously waited for our reply.
“Uh. Nooooo,” my husband said in his “What? Are you crazy?” voice.
Molly turns to her friends: See?! I knew it. We should have just done it!
Then she turned her attention to her thrill-kill parents: Why?! Why can’t we?! It’s perfectly safe! People do it all the time! We talked to some guys over there who’ve done it and they said they’ll jump with us!
So, with the hearty and highly valuable endorsement of “some guys over there,” we gave them our blessing. Not.
Dad: Okay, so if someone told you to jump off a bridge, you’d do it? That’s comforting.
Molly: Dad!! Come on … watch! You’ll see other people doing it. It’s really safe!
Me: Well, no one is getting paralyzed on our watch. You don’t have to jump off a bridge to have fun at the beach.
Molly: Yes, you do!
My daughter’s fun-loving, thrill-seeking nature collided with her teenage thirst for freedom and feelings of invincibility.
Whatever their ages, children generally push against boundaries. Our challenge is to help them understand that God gives us boundaries for our protection and to give us freedom. Freedom from being enslaved to addictions, freedom from physical and emotional harm. Freedom from the separation from Him that we feel when we insist on doing it our way.
So how do we teach our kids that boundaries bring freedom? It’s not always easy, but here’s a few things that I’ve found that have helped:
Instructive Examples. Sadly, there are plenty of cautionary tales out there – in Hollywood, among our kids’ classmates and in their communities – about young people who have made unwise choices and are reaping tragic consequences.
It’s important to open dialogue with our preteens and teens by asking questions like, “What do you think about their choices?” and “What do you think led them to make those choices?” Helping them make the connection between seemingly “fun” choices and the bondage those decisions lead to — on their own — is so important. Especially with teens. Hysterical or judgmental lectures don’t work.
Loving boundaries. I used to be all about rules. You do it because I said so! I’d regularly get angry or impatient when my kids disobeyed or were disrespectful. And that was a big mistake.
I’ve learned that always communicating love as the primary reason for giving them a consequence makes a huge difference in their attitude about their offense. They may be angry or upset at the consequence, but when they’re confident that the motive is love, I’ve noticed their hearts soften much more quickly. (Sometimes I have to wait until I feel a little more loving to communicate this effectively.)
Share your journey. Kids aren’t the only ones who make mistakes and reap consequences. Especially as my kids have gotten older, I’ve been more open with them (without giving unnecessary detail) about what God is doing in my life and some of the painful lessons I’ve learned the hard way.
Emphasize God’s faithfulness. In addition to talking with them about what God is doing in my life, I also encourage them to pray (and pray with them) about all the little obstacles throughout the day. Bringing Him into their daily experiences and concerns emphasizes His love for them and concern about the details of their lives.
Our kids have free will. They make their own choices and will make their own mistakes. We aren’t always going to be able to talk them back from the edge.
But with God’s help, we can help our kids to look before they leap.
10 Comments
Oh this is good! It’s so easy to just say “Because I said so!”… but you are so right. When we lovingly explain why we say no, and help them to realize it’s because we care about their welfare, it makes all the difference in the world! It’s so important to teach them these life lessons through our consequences and I often tell my kids reasons and explanations that share a story about me and how I learned the hard way… They listen. They eventually trust us because they know it comes from our love. Even though they may be angry…
“when they’re confident that the motive is love” – this is so true, I remember caring about the motive when I was a teen. I would listen way better if I knew it wasn’t just because they said so but because they love me.
{Melinda} I’m finding that to be especially true in the teen years with my daughter, Ashley, so what you are saying is so right. I try to be so careful to convey love instead of judgment. It’s a very tricky tightrope I walk sometimes! 🙂
Such a great point about loving boundaries. I don’t always take the time to do that, but when I do, it really does change everything. I need to remember that!! –Lisa
{Melinda} Seems like there’s so much for moms to remember! We all do the best we can. 🙂
{Melinda} We have had those conversations in our house many times, Julie. I keep just saying the same things over and over again praying that they’ll stick. I SO relate to that fine line between standing up for what’s right and coming off as judgmental. Teens can be so sensitive to that and they just tune you out. I was just talking about that issue with Kathy today. Sometimes being a mom is like walking a tightrope!
Such wonderful reminders, thank you! We are a lot alike in our thoughts on training up our children, no matter what their age. I have had to tell my kids at times, “You may not understand right now, but one day you will. I love you and it is my job to help teach your right from wrong, and I want you to be the best you can be. If I let you do ____, then I am failing at my job. You can still choose to do what you like – you are right in that. You CAN do what you want, BUT you CANNOT choose the consequences. They are what they are. Choose wisely.” I also remind them that God is watching, that He wants to help them, and I always make a HUGE deal about answered pray, no matter how small the prayer. It increases their faith.
We have had to have some not so fun conversations about people they once looked up to doing some things that were less than ideal, less than Godly, and we had to do it in a way that helped them see that anyone can mess up, anyone can disappoint us, be we still love them, we pray for them but we don’t make them our best friends and look up to them. We also teach them that, though man can disappoint and leave us hanging, God does not. We teach them, just like Mom and Dad say no sometimes or to wait because it is what is best for them, God does, too, and He loves them more than we ever could. They don’t understand it all, but I see glimpses of it now and then.
We don’t want them to be self-righteous or judgy, but we do want them moral and God-fearing. There is a fine line sometimes, ya know? It reminds me that I need to keep my life bathed in prayer and make sure that they see God through me and in me or it’s all for naught.