On the way to school this morning, a battle was waging.
I handed down an unpopular consequence for leaving the house late. My teenage daughter was protesting this cruel miscarriage of justice.
Then, after we’d both said our piece, we rode in awkward, hostile silence for the rest of the way to school.
When she got out of the van and slammed the door without so much as a goodbye, I felt an overwhelming sense of bonding and closeness with my daughter.
Actually, ummmm, no. At that particular moment, I wasn’t feeling the love. Why didn’t I just send her to the bus stop every morning? Who needs this, right?
Yet over the years, I’ve bypassed the bus rides and car pools. I’ve been the first mom to offer to drive the kids and their friends to sleepovers and football games. And the road, at times, has been very bumpy.
When we think of building closeness with our children, we envision hugs and kisses. Heart-to-heart exchanges. Conversations bursting with laughter and understanding that leave us grateful to have given birth to such amazing specimens of perfection.
I’ve experienced all of the above scenarios. Sometimes I’ve said something profound that rocked their worlds. Sometimes they’ve rocked mine. A lot of times, I’ve just listened. Either way, I’m there. Hearing and experiencing their jumbled hearts and emotions.
This means I’ve endured my share of “car-door slamming” moments (theirs and mine). And that willingness to engage them — regardless of their mood or difficulty — spells love. It also gives them a little glimpse of God’s much deeper, unfailing love. If I didn’t keep truckin’ through the rottenness (theirs and mine), I’d have missed all the good times, too. Because we can’t predict when those times are going to happen.
So we have to keep showing up. Just don’t slam the car door behind you.
Yesterday, our Guest MOMtor Laura of Pruning Princesses wrote about how bedtime was was when her kids opened up.
Where do you keep “showing up” with your kids? How have you seen it pay off?
11 Comments
So true! It’s not always the way we picture it, but we’re there to catch their emotions–how ever they come out. The next time I get a door-slamming response I’m going to remember that it can’t always be cuddles & hugs.
It’s just like marriage–even if I’m so mad I don’t want to kiss him, I do.
{Melinda} Oh, you are so right! Kathy and I saw the cutest movie today about hanging in there in marriage — Hope Springs. Very cute and inspiring.
It is so hard to just keep “showing” up but I agree it is required from moms who want to stay connected with their kids. Thanks for the insight about what I may miss if I am not sticking thru the rough times! 🙂
{Melinda} During the rough middle school years, it was so tempting sometimes to just dis-engage and keep my distance because it could be so painful and difficult. But I’m beginning to see the some of the fruit of “hanging in” now that my daughter’s in high school. It’s not all smooth sailing, but we’re definitely closer.
Some day, your teen will appreciate the fact that you care enough to dole out little consequences for leaving the house late. Hmph! I would have added consequences for disrespectful door-slamming, so she should be grateful! :o)
God loves us just the way we are, and He loves us too much to leave us that way. It’s an amazing thing when we love our kids the same way – especially when we don’t slam the door on our skirt and then try to storm off…
{Melinda} Yes, Lizzie! I’ve said that many times — thank you God for loving me enough to pursue me even in my dysfunction! (And when I’ve slammed some doors). It does inspire me to persevere and keep loving my kids fiercely no matter what they’re doing at the moment and through the really messy stages!
I love this perspective. Some days it’s just oh-so-hard, and to think of it like this – that being there at all times provides for the closeness and the bonding is important. Thanks for sharing.
{Melinda} You’re welcome, Missy. Some days I’m better at keeping this perspective than others! I’ve come to realize that a really bad day usually gives way to a good one. Always good to remember the big picture and that the little things we do to be there for them everyday add up.
I love knowing that other moms deliver justice and are met with hostile silence. It makes it easier to stand strong. Thank you, as always.
{Melinda} I’m with you, Laura. It’s always empowering to know there are other moms out there fighting the good fight and standing firm. It inspires me! That’s why I enjoy your blog so much. 🙂